The Beet - The Daily Cardinal

THE BEET

Super Woke student ensures all of social media is aware of her wokeness

By Samantha Munro Jones | Mar. 22, 2018

“I just really want to be an inspiration for all girls that will follow in my footsteps,” UW student Sarah Johnson triumphantly captioned her most recent photo of her and her ridiculously hot friends at the Women’s March. “A lot of people say that I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of myself in only nipple tassels, but that is not what this is about.

Paul Ryan isn't crying. He doesn't know why you would think that. You jerk.

THE BEET

Paul Ryan reverts to fifteen-year-old self after being called out by fifteen-year-olds

By Josie Brandmeier | Mar. 22, 2018

“Why are kids so mean mom?” Paul Ryan said, calling his Mom Wednesday night, crying. Elizabeth Ryan tried to console her distressed son. “It’s okay, my special boy, what happened?” Struggling through his messy tears, Paul said, “They picked on me.

Madison local Generic White Person pictured identifying with Staples’ music.

THE BEET

Two weeks after his concert, Vince Staples still in shock over Madison’s “whiteness”

By Morgan Spohn | Mar. 15, 2018

Two Thursdays ago, Vince Staples came out in an all black outfit and a Kevlar vest, prepared to entertain a roaring crowd. In the beginning of his thirty-minute set, as he began one of his many signature songs heavy with subjectively offensive lyrical content, he jumped back in surprise near the chorus line of the song. When the majority of the white crowd echoed the chorus intended for an African-American audience, it appeared that Staples was hit multiple times with bullets.

Two girls pause to take a selfie as they plunge to their untimely deaths.

THE BEET

United passengers stage mid-flight walkout amidst latest controversial aviation dispute

By Savannah McHugh | Mar. 15, 2018

In the wake of United’s latest predictable scandal, passengers on United flight 42069 staged a protest Monday afternoon; at approximately 12:49pm Central Time, passengers rose from their seats, formed a single-file line (picket signs in hand) and shuffled to the emergency exit doors, and, with the help of those seated in the exit row, opened the emergency doors and inevitably plunged to their deaths below. “Yeah, we don’t care,” a spokeswoman for United said in a press statement the following evening.

THE BEET

Amazon algorithm to begin making purchases for you

By Jared Holloway | Mar. 8, 2018

Amazon has decided to step up their game in predicting the interests of their customers. Already known for using past searches and accessing its customers’ internet history to target ads, Amazon now believes that, with their newest algorithm, they can predict people’s tastes enough to actually begin purchasing items for them. “It’s a major leap forward in enhancing the customer experience.” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.

The death of Vine meant the death of life as we know it.

THE BEET

Latest studies demonstrate the demise of Vine is responsible for everything going straight to shit

By Samantha Munro Jones | Mar. 8, 2018

“Vines that keep me from ending it all”, “Vines that cured my depression”, and “Vines that really butter my crispy flake”: the threads of 6-second videos of pure glee and bliss can be found on nearly every form of social media.

Spielberg the Great needs your praise to survive. It makes him stronger.

THE BEET

Spielberg’s new movie suddenly makes people interested in the journalism industry

By Samantha Munro Jones | Mar. 8, 2018

Ah, the Pentagon Papers. Every high school learns about them in the shittiest and shortest way possible to ensure that every student can act like they know what they are, but, in reality, have absolutely no idea.

THE BEET

Smelliest student on your floor takes first shower of the semester

By Andrew Wheat | Mar. 1, 2018

One of the most noteworthy developments of the last week is the smelliest kid on your floor has finally succumbed to his own stench and decided to take a shower for the first time this semester. Greg or Tony or Chris or whatever his name is (you don’t know, his body odor is too strong to bother with learning his name) is a running joke.

The diet is 99.4% carbohydrate, with nearly every user reporting excessive weight gain and stomach cramps.

THE BEET

UW woman starts intermittent fasting diet based around Short Stack Eatery’s idiotic schedule

By Regan Batterman | Mar. 1, 2018

For those of you who are not familiar with Short Stack Eatery (sucks for you), you may not be aware of how convoluted their hours are.

The new UW dining plan is engineered to exclude several students.

THE BEET

UW Housing “Opulence” eating plan requires $14,000 minimum deposit

By Patrick Hoeppner | Mar. 1, 2018

The UW Housing directorate announced early last week that the options available to students have expanded with the addition of the “Opulence” plan to the UW dining halls.

Face Beauty Pink Lipstick Makeup Cosmetics

THE BEET

Another celebrity had a baby, expected to never affect any of us on a personal level

By The Almanac Editors | Feb. 8, 2018

This past weekend, Kylie Jenner, another indistinguishable member of the Kardashian Kult, announced her intent to devote all of her spare time to the care of her newborn child. The decision to abstain from excessing posting exemplified unprecedented consideration and maturity, especially from someone whose worth has repeatedly been determined by how her butt looks in any given mirror selfie. “Motherhood does that to people, I guess,” an observer absentmindedly commented on Jenner’s Instagram following news of the birth.

Mother Earth is tired of humanity making terrible decisions for her.

THE BEET

Earth frustrated with humanity, wishes it would lay off

By Savannah McHugh | Feb. 8, 2018

Reports that Mother Earth has been planning to oust the human race have been appearing more and more frequently in The Daily Cardinal office.

Odysseus pictured rolling his eyes while speaking of his home country.

THE BEET

Hero seeking return to home country faces 10 year delay, blames economy

By Savannah McHugh | Feb. 8, 2018

As a decorated war hero was set to return to his home country after many ongoing years of relentlessly brutal combat, only to realize that his return home would not be as simple as he had expected. “All twelve ships holding my crew got caught in a set of violent storms, then we got captured by a cyclops that blamed us for his daddy issues,” Greek hero Odysseus of Ithaca described his journey.

THE BEET

“Just turn it off and back on again,” U.S. government manual advises in ungovernable details

By Patrick Hoeppner | Jan. 23, 2018

The government shutdown this weekend had several factions tinkering with ways to potentially remedy the government’s plights.

THE BEET

How to use Twitter and not set off geopolitical havoc

By Patrick Hoeppner | Jan. 23, 2018

In light of the recent developments surrounding Twitter and the global events shifted and shaped around the dialogue through its medium, Twitter founder Jack Dorsey has taken to his own medium to justify his application’s relevance in today’s global ecosystem. “The Twitter team has assembled some guidelines to using Twitter,” Dorsey tweeted Saturday, followed by a comprehensive guide to the use of the service.

THE BEET

Real crabs do not sing, “Under The Sea”

By Jared Holloway | Jan. 23, 2018

As Disney comes under criticism for the messages it creates in its older films, such as patriarchal gender roles and racist undertones, yet another fallacy has been uncovered.

THE BEET

Hollywood depleted; as jail cells fill, male stars are needed

By Ayomide Awosika | Dec. 7, 2017

In breaking news from Hollywood, all of their male movie stars have recently been arrested and sent to jail as a result of a plethora of crimes being committed en masse.

THE BEET

How to prepare for the Christmas season

By Patrick Hoeppner and Ayomide Awosika | Nov. 30, 2017

1. Get in the Christmas spirit by listening to same 18 songs every store will be playing for the next month. 2.

Each agent is required to wear rubber gloves during the procedure.

THE BEET

TSA asks that pregnant mothers please remove fetuses and place them in separate bin

By Dylan Anderson | Nov. 30, 2017

As air travel ramps up during the final months of 2017, the Transportation Security Administration are instituting a new policy requiring pregnant mothers to remove their fetuses and place them in separate bins at the security checkpoint. Mothers more than three months into term must take their developing children from their uterus and place them into a bin to be sent through the screening conveyor belt.

THE BEET

Junior male seeks counseling after Tinder match said she “isn’t looking for anything that serious”

By Samantha Munro Jones | Nov. 30, 2017

daily cardinal Tinder, a dating application where users can swipe right or left depending on their preferences in partners, is a wholesome and magical way for young adults looking for love to find their soulmate.