The Beet

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Resolutions

This week a poem about resolutions. 

Connect

This week a poem on connection with other people and its difficulties. 

Historians uncover evidence which indicates that the French Revolution may have been caused by a pyramid scheme

Historians recently uncovered evidence suggesting that a pyramid scheme, much like the ones that relentlessly pester the timelines of unsuspecting Facebook users today, may have actually caused the French Revolution. 

Badgers Don't Do Breaks: The Grind Really Never Stops

Spring break has sadly come to a close for students at UW-Madison and with it, every student is experiencing the satisfaction of finishing all of the extra homework that was assigned by professors over break. 

The Real Devil's Lettuce: Cilantro

Local political crusader Sydney Becky McAmanda has been superfluously active on Twitter as of late, claiming she has single-handedly discovered the source of mankind’s evil after a recent drunken jaunt to the local Chipotle. 

Relapse

New major offered within SOHE, ‘Rights Determination Policy’

The explosion in tweets regarding who deserves rights prompted SoHe to add a new major. 

Teenage Fever

This poem touches on themes of love and longing for a teenage dream.

The Lyrics of my Heart

This week's Melanin Speaking piece comes from Chelsea Hylton. 

Melanin Speaking Small Talks: The Greek Goddess Hera

This week's Melanin Speaking contribution is a collection of photos from Fatoumata Ceesay.

Avoid Busting A**: A guide to non-slipping success on an icy campus

Because Wisconsin has decided to make up for the past three years of snowlessness by dumping it all on us at once, Almanac has decided to share some of its collective, snow-proof wisdom with its loyal readers.

Trump responds to Warren with “Trump Hotel Junior”

In an effort to respond to Elizabeth Warren’s progressive child care proposal, President Donald Trump has presented “Trump Hotel Junior,” a pre-k program for prepubescent patriots. 

a love letter

This week's Melanin Speaking submission is a poem from Jess Sullivan. 

Debate Over Best Doritos Flavor Unites the Masses, Deciding that All Politicians Suck

At Virginia’s State Capitol this past Tuesday, protestors from near and far and across the aisle rioted together as one to fight for a necessary cause: the Pro-Spicy Sweet Chili Movement. 

"Cardinal-scopes"

Insightful horoscopes for the week. 

The Founding Fathers Roll in Their Graves as Donald Trump Screws up Their Greatest Creation

A series of unexplainable events indicate that the Founding Fathers sense foul play in the District of Columbia. 

Reclaiming Labels

This week's Melanin Speaking column piece comes from Noah Laroia-Nguyen, who discusses being mixed in America.  “As a mixed person it is often easy to feel as if you have lost your agency, your choice, and your personhood. The labels and names placed onto you can feel like they are erasing the person underneath. My goal for this work is to reclaim our labels and give us a voice. I hope that these photos let you know that you are not alone and you are not invisible.”

Restless Republicans Pitch New Immigration Plans Amidst Shutdown

With the threat of the government shutdown looming, Republican Congressmen suggest an alternative to Trump's wall. 

Walls

Almanac editor Kellen Sharp reflects on his trip to Israel. 

Almanac Obituary- Savannah McHugh

Savannah McHugh, outgoing Almanac editor, went missing last week after leaving her home for unknown reasons.  Friends and family members came up with many theories as to where Savannah could have gone, but none seemed satisfactory.