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(10/24/11 6:00am)
During football season, Sundays became my detox day. When I
physically couldn't immerse myself in a myriad of texts, I plopped
on the couch with the only thing that's been there for me my whole
life - my boob tube.
(05/06/09 6:00am)
(04/29/09 6:00am)
Are you debating picking up another major to stay in Madison for
one more semester? Do you feel you lack any applicable skills? You
probably do, and as I am an expert on all things college, I have
compiled a list of nine ways to determine if you should graduate in
2009. Take a look and determine the answer to this question: ""Are
you ready?"" Maybe the answer is clear cut, maybe you're ready to
be a young urban professional who collects wine bottles, maybe
you're a frat boy unable to tear himself away from the paddle you
use to spank your brothers... or maybe you're somewhere in the
middle, stuck with me.
(04/22/09 6:00am)
Would our teacher be a stripper with huge plastic boobs? What
kind of shoes does one wear to this kind of thing? Would there be
mirrors, peeping toms and would I get herpes?
(04/15/09 6:00am)
So, how did your date go? Will you see him again?"" I asked my
friend, who was telling me about a date with some guy she was set
up with by a friend of a friend of a creep.
(04/09/09 6:00am)
Whenever I go home, I see that my family barely knows how to
operate our DVD player, can't yet figure out how to install
wireless and thinks tamagachis are still tech-savvy. I try to teach
my family all I can about iPods, laptops and youthfulness in
general. But sometimes, it's not enough to walk them through an
instructional booklet or show them how to log on to a website.
Sometimes you need to teach them a lesson by being completely and
utterly inappropriate.
(04/01/09 6:00am)
Welcome to Facebook 2015
(03/25/09 6:00am)
I won't pay I wont pay ya no way... now now... why don't you get
a job,"" sings my recently semi-retired father on the phone to me.
He's taking a two-month trial away from trading and it's his first
real day off the job at home, and at only two o'clock in the
afternoon, he's already called me six times today. Apparently,
nagging me in the form of catchy songs circa '99 is his new
unemployed hobby, along with not paying my mom's medical bills,
taking my dogs for three walks a day and watching as many episodes
of ""Cops"" as he can possibly find on our TV. Nothing brings my
dad greater pleasure than sitting in his underwear and watching
trashy people get handcuffed after drinking, beating their midget
girlfriends, and going on a shooting spree.
(03/11/09 6:00am)
""Well, what kind of bathing suit are you getting?"" my mom
asked me on the phone, my eyes still sandy with sleep, as I was
walked late to my ""History of Rome"" class, late because I had
decided to get coffee. It was only early morning, and already my
mom felt the need to discuss spring break bathing suit shopping,
the only kind of shopping girls don't actually enjoy with their
usual unrestricted squeals of excitement, as they pick up and
examine a pair of delightfully glittery heels.
(03/04/09 6:00am)
There are few things that give me greater joy than the feeling
of being recognized and admired. This explains my desire to be
famous, to get interviewed on late-night TV while completely stoned
off my ass, perhaps sticking my gum on the desk or dancing on top
of it, and have to my every move photographed with my ever-present
large caffeinated beverage.
(02/25/09 6:00am)
Hosanna in the highest,"" the church choir bellows, their praise
echoing throughout the high ceilings of the church. As a child I
would have gladly joined in this prayer, tweaking the phrasing just
a bit to make it more sacred and meaningful.
(02/18/09 6:00am)
I no longer buy movies on-demand. I buy the crappy toilet paper
that is rough and saves me a whole 43 cents. Sometimes, I steal
nasty organic toilet paper from a certain coffee house's bathroom.
I no longer spend money unwisely on the weekends when I need to
make myself feel better by purchasing my value in clothes. A hearty
meal is a bowl of Progresso soup and a stick of gum. I thought I
was living in poverty because I was a college student, until I
realized my parents started buying the gross toilet paper, too.
(02/13/09 6:00am)
On Tuesday, Nov. 1, 1966, Jeffrey Bartell saw his future wife
for the first time in a black and white photo on the 11th page of
the Daily Cardinal.
(02/04/09 6:00am)
On a particularly lonely Saturday night, I decided to text my
female soul mate, since I am not involved with any men who are
actually alive. A few minutes later I was in her car, and later
sleeping on her couch. The next morning we got breakfast and nearly
held hands in the car, as we both leaned in to change the radio
station. It was then I realized I was in love with a girl, mostly
because she is more or less a blond version of me.
(01/28/09 6:00am)
I've always been the kind of person who lives to make jokes, and
often time the best jokes come at the expense of others. I'll be
the first to make fun of you for actually reading the Twilight""
series, for being the only person that openly still watches ""Boy
Meets World"" re-runs (I mean, really?), and for still wearing
capris or scrunchies in public.
(01/21/09 6:00am)
INTRO TO SPENCEROLOGY PROFESSOR: Ashley Spencer OFFICE: Plaza
CLASS: F 9:30pm
(12/10/08 6:00am)
When my winter blues didn't go away after a few weeks and some
hardcore liquid medicating, I did what any college student does
when they sleep with someone and develop a weird, burning sensation
on their genitals - I turned to the Internet to diagnose my
condition.
(12/03/08 6:00am)
You look like shit."" It's the first thing my mother says
Thanksgiving morning as I sleepily shuffle from my bed to the
screened-in porch, where she has her coffee and first cigarette. I
know it's where I'll find her, even in this pre-winter Chicago
cold.
(11/19/08 6:00am)
Dear Mouse,
(11/12/08 6:00am)
Believe it or not, I used to want to be a serious person, who
did serious things, set serious goals and seriously kind of met
them. Instead, I seriously stare at the TV for eight hours a day.
When you take 12 credits and only go to class two days a week, you
have some serious time on your hands to seriously think. And
seriously, if you think about it and say seriously"" over and over
again, it seriously starts to sound weird. These are the things I
seriously thought about this Sunday on my couch, as I reflected on
the semester thus far.