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A Tamagotchi formerly in the possession of sophomore Abe Andon has issued a statement saying it has become self-aware and sworn a personal vendetta on its master.

Campus douche shocked to find that women no longer thrilled to hear his mediocre rendition of “Wonderwall”

Following the Badgers’ sweeping victory last Saturday, most of the student population could most likely be found in celebration, including junior Econ major and aspiring hipster Hugh Jass. Hugh and his friends were enjoying a night of revelry in their communal Mifflin home when he noticed something unusual.“When we were all hanging out in the basement to watch the end of a beer pong tournament, I thought I’d whip out my guitar. You know, to set the mood and help everybody relax. It’s usually a big hit with the ladies, too,” Hugh told me, when I spoke with him about his experience earlier this week. He quickly found out that wasn’t the case.“I had to play the opening progression three whole times before anyone even realized I was playing! Even after I said ‘Anyway, here’s Wonderwall,’ which is, like, my signature opening line, more people moved away from me than usual!”Hugh was both shocked and surprised at the reaction to his “classic” ice-breaker for many casual gatherings and social events of the past. When I proceeded to ask if he had considered mastering yet another overplayed campfire tune, he was adamant that it was his “signature song.” With the well-known progressive social environment of our fair city, change has become commonplace as it reflects the artistic diversity of our community. New bands and independent artists are steadily emerging onto the scene and show no signs of slowing down, continually setting the bar higher and higher for those wishing to make an impression. “I don’t know what’s going on with people these days,” Hugh remarked when I asked about the future of music. “All I know is that stupid Oasis song doesn’t get me nearly as much poon as it used to.”Those akin with Hugh who possess only a casual interest in music involving actual instruments instead of Macbooks and drum machines will too feel the effects of this evolution as it takes place right before our eyes. That being said, twenty-something desperados hoping to stay afloat in this turbulent musical era should look no further than the simple four-chord progressions behind 90s hits such as Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, Sublime’s “Santeria”, and Green Day’s “Wake Me Up (When September Ends)”. As for the future of these campfire crooners, will they continue their reign of terror over casual friendly gatherings and bonfires? Or will the demand for real talent finally snuff them out?

Wisconsin may have just found its next great runningback in Jonathan Taylor

Growing up as a kid in the D.C. area, Wisconsin football was a program in my periphery. Unlike a majority of current UW cohorts, Badger football wasn’t part of a weekly routine for me, nor was I constantly aware of their year-to-year roster and coaching changes. I’d take note in the wake of big wins and losses (Big Ten titles, the Ohio State win in 2010, the Kirk Cousins Hail Mary in 2011), but for the most part, they were just another program in my eyes. While that would come to drastically change, there was one thing that always came to mind when I thought of Wisconsin football (as it does for most people), and that was the run game.

The key to achieving your best semester yet

For some, the beginning of the school year is an exciting time to welcome a fresh start and shift away from an old summer routine. For others, the start of a new semester hits the play button on a new wave of dread. Here begins the mountains of homework, waking up early for class and enemy number one—finals. However, the start of the year doesn’t have to feel this way. Here are a few ways to obtain a positive attitude at the start of this school year, in order to have the best semester of your college life.

In wake of Charlottesville, Soglin orders removal of Madison cemetery’s Confederate monuments

After a white nationalist rally in Charlottesville, Va. erupted into violence and ended with the death of a counter-protester, Madison Mayor Paul Soglin has directed staff to remove two Confederate monuments located in a city cemetery.

Darling so it goes

i like the ocean because of its rhythms there’s something about the tide that is comforting. like you, the ocean only knows how to love in waves there’s some days—oh honey some days I’m over the moon shackled by your electricity, but i don’t mind then you kiss me and i’m on another planet  then your eyes stop meeting mine your hand pulls away as you reach for another —i wish you listened more like you, the ocean only knows how to love in waves you’ve started a fire in me i pulse to the beat of youyour lips taste like spring and i never want to stop waking upeven if we were on another planet baby--i will always be able to find you the days when you don’t touch me are the worst and i tattoo your lies across my skin so that i can feel something even though those hurt the most you and the ocean only know how to love in waves all of my light lives in you you danced it away while you bit my neck some days baby i think this is it :i’ve found you in a whole universe of distractions i don’t remember myself without you but some days i think you see right through me and i feel my insides melt and my mascara slide off my facei wish you didn’t only know how to love in waves

Cardinal View: Campus sexual assault survivors deprived of justice

Two sexual assaults reported at UW-Madison ended in injustice this month. Nathan Friar will serve eight years of probation for a second-degree sexual assault he was convicted of, and no jail time. Nicholas Ralston was found not guilty of third-degree sexual assault, despite sending a text stating, “...I sexually assaulted [the victim] last night…”

Songs of One Love Manchester do not embody spirit of tragedy it mourned

On May 22, an Ariana Grande concert was attacked by a suicide bomber and 22 innocent people lost their lives. The victims ranged in age from eight years old to 51 years old. Shortly after the attack, ISIS claimed it as a work of the caliphate. The atrocity and brutality of the attack resonated worldwide.

Local politicians ignore angry constituents in wake of Trump

Last week, my parents and I planned to spend an evening attending a town hall by U.S. House Representative Jim Sensenbrenner, R-Wis., to hear his opinions on the various issues prevailing in Washington right now. We first noticed something was amiss when he began the meeting by reading off a list of authoritarian rules that left absolutely no room for dissent or discord. Given the contentious nature of Congress nowadays, this seemed like an unnecessary overreaction, as Sensenbrenner should be accustomed to disagreement and argumentation on Capitol Hill. 

Hackers infiltrate UW-Madison Twitter

UW-Madison’s official Twitter account is the latest account to fall victim to hackers, as several obscenity-riddled tweets were issued from the university’s account early this morning.

Cardinal View: Editorial Board's Spring Retrospective

As the spring semester comes to an end, The Daily Cardinal Editorial Board reflects on the past few months with a series of short recaps.

College Republicans call to end ASM

UW-Madison College Republicans called on state legislators “make every effort to end” the Associated Students of Madison—the student shared governance body—in the wake of controversial divestment legislation.

Kendrick Lamar’s new album ‘DAMN.’ expresses the frustrations of fame

Kendrick Lamar’s discography is nothing short of extraordinary. Section.80 told the story of a generation that grew up in a crack era. Good Kid, m.A.A.d city was a fascinating case study of a young man’s shenanigans in Compton. To Pimp a Butterfly exposed the world’s exploitation of black artists in American society.

Pocan talks to UW students, community in town hall

While home on congressional recess, U.S. Rep. Mark Pocan, D-Wis., held a town hall Thursday in Dejope Hall to answer questions from students and community members alike.

Men's tennis: Wisconsin Badgers look to pick up two Big Ten victories on the road, take on No. 2 Ohio State Buckeyes Sunday

This weekend, the Wisconsin Badgers (5-2 Big Ten, 14-4 overall) will continue their Big Ten road trip against Penn State (1-2, 13-8) Friday and No. 2 Ohio State (7-0, 22-3) Sunday.

Moyes’ tirade indicates larger issue of sexism in ‘locker room banter’

With Sunderland nestled firmly in last place of the English Premier League, club manager David Moyes is unsurprisingly under plenty of public pressure and scrutiny.

UW System Student Reps continue lobby efforts after victories

Although the UW System has notched a series of recent victories, UW System Student Representatives continued their lobby efforts at the state Capitol Monday.

Janesville man who threatened schools, churches still on the run

A burglary of a gun store Tuesday has escalated into a nation-wide search for Joseph Jakubowsky, a Janesville-area man who has reportedly threatened to carry out an attack on an undisclosed location. As of Sunday, Jakubowsky’s whereabouts are still unknown.

A Love Letter to Helga Pataki

You shine so bright, they force you into a shadow,growing into a sunflower without the sun to turn to,girl, you got the magicYou are surrounded by skepticswho weren’t present witness to your blossom,they doubt it’s occurrence, they doubt you.I feel your anger,the nonchalant way of going aboutexpecting nothing from the people that interact with the day.No one will let you down without your permission.I get why you write,why you obsess, why you get mad,that you love so hard and so much,it drags you down like a responsibility.So you stopped carrying your heart in your hands.I know most times you leave it at home,perhaps in your closet,so no one will know you have one, too.You hide your soft so no one try to shape youinto something you are not.You don’t want anyone to accidentally step on itand then feel bad for not accepting their “sorry.”To you that word is flimsy,can’t even take being thrown in a trashcan.Helga, I know how bad waking up can be,when no one is thereto say good morning,or there when you get back home,or there when your world is screaming novels at you.And I get that sometimes loneliness is not a choice,it’s the only option when no one chooses you back.Please write until everything you have to sayis able to be read and I’ll read it.Helga you are so beautiful,and loving yourself is only half the battle,sometimes it’s the full war.Thank you for the Saturday mornings,for those 20 minutes it wasn’t so bad to be alone.

Study: UW System has 17 times more students from the bottom 60 percent than the top one percent

A recent study shows that UW System students are far more likely to come from the bottom 60 percent of the income distribution scale than the top 1 percent, in contrast to a number of other American universities.