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(02/24/19 8:42pm)
Merrill Kaplan, a scholar at Ohio State University, came to UW-Madison on Friday to give a lecture on how white nationalists leverage Norse symbology in their favor.
(02/05/19 12:47am)
Three schools in Oregon, Wisconsin, a village 10 miles from Madison, were placed on a “soft lockdown” after rumors of a student bringing a gun to school surfaced Monday morning.
(02/09/17 12:00pm)
Deep in the Redwood Forest in northern California lies a very peaceful, undisturbed bear. Reports indicate that Mike, a 200-pound black bear, is still deep in his winter hibernation, avoiding the many problems that life has to offer. According to Mike’s friends, this months-long nap is exactly what he needed. “He’s been really stressed out lately,” said his lifelong friend, Jerry, last fall. “Catching salmon all day is really starting to take a toll on him. And his first semester of bear college has placed a huge workload on him, too. I think taking a nap for a few thousand hours will do him a lot of good.” Mike, most likely dreaming of honey and attractive lady bears, has been able to avoid a wide array of wintertime problems such as trying to shed the Thanksgiving weight, figuring out what to get his family for Christmas and distracting himself from the fact that he, yet again, will not have a date for this Valentine’s Day.Mike is also known to be quite the activist. “He’s always been very conscious of reminding people of their responsibility to prevent forest fires,” said Mike’s mother, pre-hibernation. “He really feels a sense of duty towards the Redwood Forest, where he’s lived his whole life. It’s almost a part of him, in a way. He really takes after his grandpa Smokey.”The furry “Sleeping Beauty” still has a couple more months to spend huddled up, undisturbed before having to face reality again. However, there is not just busy work and stress waiting for Mike when he wakes up later this spring. This year, his family is reportedly hosting the annual Redwood Forest Fourth of July Bear-beque, which is sure to be an occasion involving copious amounts of salmon, honey and possibly illegal fireworks.
(02/02/17 12:00pm)
Valentine’s Day: a day devoted to romance, usually involving heart-shaped chocolate boxes, dinner dates and bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon. According to the popular legend, Cupid, a winged, matchmaking angel, shoots people with arrows and causes them to fall in love with the first person they lay their eyes upon. It is the purest form of love—to love at first sight without prejudice or preconception, and ending in a happily ever after.In a recent interview, however, Cupid claimed that “modern technology fucked all of this up.”Whilst smoking a cigarette and drinking the darkest, most bitter coffee, Cupid, himself, gave The Daily Cardinal reporters an exclusive interview as to why his job has become exponentially more difficult, thanks to the technological revolution.“Everywhere you look, people are on their phones, so they don’t look at each other as much,” stated Cupid. “Madison is the worst place to work. I’ll fly over University Avenue, see a handsome young guy approaching some sweet little thing and think ‘Hey, one of those two could really use an arrow!’ So I’ll shoot one of ‘em, but by the time they look up from their phones, they wind up falling for one of their 50-year-old professors, or something stupid like that.”Cupid also elaborated on how much work it is to reverse the effects of botched work. “It’s incredibly difficult to make someone fall out of love, and it’s even harder when someone falls in love with a squirrel because they are too busy looking at Donald Trump memes to make eye contact with an actual human being.”When asked if he had a take-home message for young people in today’s technology-obsessed culture, Cupid said, “A lot of people are going to tell you to stop being so entranced in your technology because you’re missing out on life, and you should be living in the moment. That’s all bogus. The real reason you shouldn’t do it is because you’re a royal pain in my ass. I’m going to have a heart attack if you people keep this up.”At press time, Cupid was seen at Bascom Hill holding back a freshman from his one true love: an economics TA with a fiancé that could definitely kick his ass.
(09/23/16 8:48pm)
Stumbling through a room full of girls he had failed to get the numbers of, Matt Blaker, a UW-Madison freshman, had one task on his mind: successfully convincing his parents that he was anything but partying.