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University of Wisconsin-Madison Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin announced Tuesday the College of Engineering would “sunset” in order to pay Badger head coach Luke Fickell’s $45 million buyout. The news comes directly after the team’s embarrassing 37-0 loss to Iowa Saturday.
“While some students might be upset that we're cutting the College of Engineering, all eight of its departments, laying off all the staff involved in it and ending all engineering related majors, we believe this was the right choice in the long run,” Mnookin said. “We are making tough decisions for the long-term financial viability of this esteemed institution.”
Mnookin said the decision came down to “serious talks” about the university’s priorities.
“Either our football team would continue to be an embarrassment, or some nerdy ass losers would get laid off and a bunch of virgins would have to switch majors. To us, the answer was clear,” she said.
This announcement sparked nationwide celebration. Students and alumni of all ages were seen dancing with joy and celebrating in the streets of all 50 U.S. states and four separate countries.
“We sifted and winnowed over this decision and ultimately, while difficult, the decision to fire Fickell and sunset engineering won in the free speech marketplace of ideas,” Mnookin said. “While I acknowledge this decision may come as a surprise, UW remains committed to our core institutional priorities: football!”
When news reached Badger fans in Milwaukee, chants of “U-S-A” erupted during the Brewers-Dodgers game Tuesday night.
“It was a big night for us and a big win for Madison, as well as for America. I got chills hearing that crowd,” Brewers Manager Patrick Murphy said.
“When I heard the news, I cried. After everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve lost. After how much we as a city, we as country, have suffered because of that man, to know his reign of terror is over, I’m just so proud of the chancellor for getting this done. Truly a historic day I’ll never forget.” Badger fan Sara Hughes said while holding back tears.
While many were celebrating the firing of Fickell, I wondered what those in the College of Engineering thought, so I interviewed Ryan Jackson, a sophomore engineering major.
“Ever since I was a kid, I dreamed of getting an engineering degree at UW. But as I’ve grown up, I’ve realized some things are more important than diplomas. Part of the Wisconsin Idea is putting the needs of the many ahead of the needs of the few, so if not getting that piece of paper means the Badgers won’t suck as hard the rest of this season, I’m willing to make that sacrifice.” Jackson said.
Dean of the College of Engineering, Devesh Ranjan, agreed with Jackson. “While it kind of sucks that me and all of my colleagues are going to be out of jobs, I probably would’ve quit anyway with how bad the Badgers have been doing. I mean, did you see the Iowa game? That shit made me cry,” he said.
We reached out to Fickell for comment, who was last seen speeding down Milwaukee Street in a brand new Rolls-Royce Boat Tail with several comically large duffel bags of cash in the passenger’s seat. He has not responded.
Dominic Violante is The Beet editor for The Daily Cardinal.
