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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, September 26, 2025
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Kash Patel poses with his first place gold medal on Sept. 17, 2025

Kash Patel wins staring contest

Taking time out of his busy schedule, Kash Patel has become a champion at not blinking for long periods of time

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news. 

FBI Director Kash Patel won the 2025 National Staring Contest held Wednesday, in a stunning show of personal resilience. In a statement released on his official X account, Patel said, “Years of hard work and patience have finally paid off, today is the proudest moment of my life, things could not be going better!” 

While some critics have argued Patel has neglected his duties as FBI director, and his time spent staring blankly at walls for hours on end could have been better spent investigating the assassination of political pundit, Charlie Kirk, or to investigate the associates of disgraced New York financier, Jeffrey Epstein, Patel responded saying, “some things in life are more important than work.” 

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Dominic Violante

Dominic Violante is The Beet editor for The Daily Cardinal.


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