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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, June 25, 2024
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Metro passengers relieved public masturbator grower, not shower

Metro riders were left surprised as a local public masturbator turned out to be a grower, not a shower.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

As Madison Metro continues to revamp its services to exclusively serve Epic employees, one rider is now capitalizing on the new routes. 

Olive Jerkanhoff has taken to Metro buses to engage in a little bit of self-love in front of unsuspecting riders. Fear could be found in riders as he started, but those eyes turned to looks of wonder as the local pervert proved to have more than he let on.

“I was shocked that someone could just jump on a bus and do something like that,” a Metro passenger said. “But once he got going, he left me surprised with his massive meat missile.”

But why has Madison’s new premier public pleasurer started taking to the bus to sharpen his pork sword? The answer is more daunting than most realize.

Madison Metro, in its efforts to revamp the bus systems, has removed bus benches and shelters from stops. The policy follows a wave of anti-homeless decisions to stop Madison’s most vulnerable from using the city’s public transit.

Metro’s rationale for the effort comes from the anti-homeless general ordinance 11.03(1) passed in 1995. The ordinance outlines that public transit fixtures, like bus shelters and benches, are only to be used for accessing the bus.

“It's a shame that I have been left with no other option than to play my skin flute on the bus,” Jerkanhoff said. “I would love to do it on the beautiful streets of our scenic city, but Metro’s systematic dismantling of bus shelters and benches has left me with no other choice.”

Riders like our Metro Masturbator are now left paying $2 for the simple pleasure of whacking his one-eyed weasel on the bus until Metro reverses its anti-homeless, anti-human decency stance.

To get our extravagant exhibitionist back on the streets to pull at his plump pecker, write to Mayor Rhodes-Conway and Madison Metro to stop implementing policy that negatively affects our most vulnerable.

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