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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, April 01, 2023

Local stoner finds candy in his drugs

Madison drug community shocked by dangerous and unexpected candy.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

When Madison student Benjamin Lang stuck his fingers in the familiar small plastic zip bag this Halloween weekend, he was met with an unpleasant surprise. Instead of buds, the bag was full of duds: Milk Duds.

“You hear about it every year, but you just never expect it to happen to you,” Lang told The Beet. “I mean, what if I had smoked it by accident?”

While any instance of drugs being tainted with candy is cause for massive concern, this instance was especially gruesome because candy in your drugs is particularly dangerous when the candy sucks.

“Milk Duds are straight up poison even if you’re not smoking them,” Benjamin continued. “But I’ll keep it a hundred — I may have rolled it up if it was a Reese’s Cup.”

Law enforcement is looking for any tips on who may be hiding candy in drugs, but until the culprit is found, they stress the importance of staying vigilant. They made a public statement to inform community members of the proper steps for staying safe.

“First, take a big bite of your cannabis,” reads the statement from the University of Wisconsin Police Department. “If it tastes like chocolate or a vague fruit, it may be candy.”

However, the second step illustrates the complexity — and danger — of finding candy in your drugs.

“Remember, the taste of candy is not a certainty of candy as it could still be an edible,” adds the UWPD statement.

UWPD stated the only way to know for sure is, unfortunately, to wait it out.

“We get calls all night from concerned stoners thinking their dealer cheated them only to have our officers arrive 45 minutes later to find satisfied customers,” said a UWPD dispatcher who was on duty during Halloween celebrations. “But we understand. What if you wait all night for the edibles to kick in but they were just a normal pack of gummy bears? It’s a frightening situation we don’t want anyone in this community to experience.”

This is only the most recent occurrence of dangerously tampered drugs around Halloween. Last year, a UW student at a Halloween party took a hit of cocaine only to realize they snorted a razor blade too.

“Our community should be a place of safety,” Lang added. “But that can’t happen as long as stoners continue to face the threat of finding Milk Duds in their weed.”

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.


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