In a long overdue decision, a fifth star will be added to the Chicago city flag. The four stars already represent the four most important events in Chicago history: the founding, the Great Chicago Fire of 1871, the World’s Columbian Exposition of 1893 and the Century of Progress Exposition of 1933.
What could be so important to alter an iconic symbol untouched for almost 90 years?
“A crucial and too often overlooked cornerstone of Chicago history must be added to the flag,” said Mayor Lori Lightfoot in a surprise press conference. “We need a star to honor the contribution of city hero Ferris Bueller, whose day off from school lives in infamy.”
She continued, “He visited iconic and beloved city landmarks like Wrigley Field, what was then Sears Tower, the Art Institute, Daley Plaza and more — all while having his parents and entire school convinced he was sick in bed.”
When reporters attempted to ask questions, Lightfoot went on, “That is, except for the principal.”
“That guy was the only one who knew the truth, and he gets mauled by their dog when he tries to get proof,” Lightfood said. “It’s quite funny when you think about it.”
She paused for a second while reporters raised their hands, “Ferris’s sister too. I don’t remember her name, but she knew the truth about the whole scheme, and she really resented him for his history of shenanigans — well deserved if you asked me — but then she helped out at the end which was really cool of her. I guess Ferris was too rad of a guy to be mad at.”
When asked for a timeline regarding this major change, Lightfoot responded, “And we really need to crack down on valet drivers. Are those guys still out there? Those hoodlums almost ruined the whole thing. Well, in some ways they made it better by forcing Cameron to confront his dad — that dad sucks — but it’s still not ok for them to drive the car around all day. That’s not their car.”
The mayor’s staff informed reporters they are working around the clock to remove all copies of “The Breakfast Club” from the city to lower the likelihood of yet another star being added to the flag in the near future.
Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.