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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, April 19, 2024
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Mrs. Butterworth’s announces line of new syrup options

The new lineup includes collaborations with Jack Daniels and Chips Ahoy.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Artificial syrup fans rejoice! In recent posts to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube and MySpace, Mrs. Butterworth’s announced a vast expansion to their line of products. They already have “Original,” “Extra Buttery,” “Sugar Free” and “Lite,” but the company thinks it’s time for a change.

“Over the unprecedented past couple years of COVID-19, the summer of protests against police violence and the ‘Me Too’ movement, we took a long look at our company’s values and came to the conclusion that we could do so much more to use our brand to be more inclusive,” said Conagra Brands CEO Sean Connolly.

An industry disruption of this magnitude has artificial syrup enthusiasts delighted.

“We’re witnessing the iPhone of the syrup world,” a local artificial syrup fanatic said. “Not only that, but with more options than ever, more people will find something to love in the artificial syrup community.”

Additions to their artificial syrup selection include “Extra Creamy,” “High Sodium,” “Extra Runny” and “Most Pulp,” but that’s far from all. Also revealed are “Large Curd,” “Extra Sticky,” “Just Add Water,” “Real Cheese,” “Mango Habanero” and the elusive “Mystery Flavor.”

Fans are particularly excited for the announced brand collaborations, which will expand the line of artificial syrups even further with flavors and textures inspired by Baja Blast, A&W, Jack Daniels, Chips Ahoy and Honey Nut Cheerios.

“As we move into an America more aware of the shortcomings of our past and present, we at Mrs. Butterworth’s are doing our part to make artificial breakfast syrups for people of all tastes,” said Connolly.

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.

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