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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, April 19, 2024

Girl Scouts announce they will be accepting crypto

“Alright, fuck it — we’re doing crypto.”

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

This morning, the Girl Scouts of America announced troops nationwide will be accepting crypto currencies as payment for their infamous cookies. 

The announcement reads:

“Alright, fuck it — we’re doing crypto. We’re not entirely sure if anyone cares about this shit anymore, but fuck it, right? Who gives a shit if this bullshit collapses; we have so many motherfucking cookies. And we got a new one this year? Have you seen this bullshit? It’s fucking good though. Anyway, go find your cookie dealer and she’ll be happy to take whatever bullshit coin you have as long as you have four or five dollars worth of it. I don’t know how much our cookies cost these days. God knows it’ll be good for you morons to get out of the house and interact with real people for once.”

The statement continued, “Just don’t show the kid your stupid fucking NFTs. We have supplied every girl scout with a fuckton of pepper spray that she has been instructed to use if you show her your goddamn ape collection. These bitches will not hesitate to fuck you the fuck up the instant she sees your dumb fucking pixel art that your dumb ass dropped five fucking figures on. We weren’t expecting those little shits to be so goddamn trigger happy with the pepper spray, but holy shit, I didn’t used to get night terrors. What else? Oh yeah, we’re working on a watchlist for everyone who doesn’t buy at least three boxes of Thin Mints. No, don’t ask questions. Just go buy some cookies if you don’t want to worry about it.”

With the dip in sales last year due to COVID-19, the Girl Scouts may be hoping this move into crypto will send cookie sales, dare I say, to the moon! At the time of writing this, Bitcoin is half of what it was worth four months ago. Are the Girl Scouts buying the dip, or will this decision bite them in the Do-Si-Dos? Only time will tell.

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.

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