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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, September 29, 2023

Fun ways to spend spring break without traveling

Some advice for the poors.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

With spring break beginning this weekend, many students can be overheard talking about their travel plans. However, this is not the case for everyone; some simply don’t like to travel, while others — especially the poors — are unable to take time off of work or can’t afford the price of gas for a road trip, let alone a plane ticket. 

Luckily, your friends at the Almanac have some no-travel-required spring break tips that will make you say “Hawaii is still part of these United States? Well hell’s bells, let’s sell it for scrap.”

  1. Put a slice of pineapple on a hamburger bun. This tip actually originated with McDonald’s in the 1960’s as an option for Catholics who couldn’t eat meat on Fridays during Lent. It happens to be Lent right now, so if you’re looking for redemption, slap a ring o’ pineapple on that white bread and be transported to Costa Rica.
  2. Take off your clothes and lay in the snow. While it may take longer, it’s completely possible to get a tan during the winter. Simply go outside and strip down, then you’re good to go. Depending on the temperature, you may get frostbite before reaching a visible tan, but in any case, your skin will change color.
  3. Provoke an alligator at the zoo. Given Henry Vilas Zoo’s convenient location in relation to campus, this one is a sinch. When nobody’s looking, hop into the alligator habitat and splash around — really ham it up. Then, pull a struggling gar fish out of your pocket (you may want cargo pants for this one) and let it thrash about. This will encourage the alligator to attack, evoking the true Florida experience.
  4. Drink a Mai Tai in the shower. Start up a cold shower, turn up some reggae and sip on the cocktail containing rum, Curaçao liqueur, orgeat syrup and lime juice. It’ll be like a Caribbean rainstorm and you won’t have to worry about showering later on when you’re nine Mai Tais deep. 
  5. Haggle with the employees at Walgreens. Take yourself to an Egyptian market by negotiating prices with the cashiers at Walgreens or your store of choice. You’ll feel like you’re on a desert vacation when you’re arguing with an employee about lowering the price of a hairbrush from $25 down to $3.
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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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