Campus morale was high on Sunday after the Wisconsin men's basketball team defeated Minnesota by a score of 66-60. After an afternoon of celebration, just before midnight, a restful night of sleep was evaded when Camp Randall’s fire alarm went off. Following hours of speculation, it is now known that the alarm was set off after Bucky Badger forgot to take the traditional post-win gopher he planned to eat out of the oven, filling the air with smoke.
Those in the Regent neighborhood may have noticed that no fire trucks were on the scene, making it seem as though everyone was just chill with whatever fate may reach the historic landmark. After briefly attempting to waft the smoke away using his commemorative Barry Alvarez towel, Bucky called the fire department to inform them of the situation, halting the dispatch of the trucks.
The alarm, which was paired with flashing lights and the robotic voice of a woman who didn’t really care whether or not anyone was burned alive, continued for roughly 10 minutes, implying that no effort was being made to turn it off. During this time, Bucky was reportedly attempting to bring the gopher back to edibility using an array of spices and condiments.
Luckily, Bucky made the questionable choice to taste-test red pepper flakes by dumping a portion of the bottle into his mouth as if it was full of Tic Tacs. This prompted him to open the freezer and reach for a pint of Babcock Bec-Key Lime Pie, behind which the alarm’s master key was kept.
To the relief of many, Bucky was able to stop the alarm without a hitch, allowing students to go to sleep and Bucky to return to his ketchup-lathered gopher carcass.
Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.