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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 27, 2022

Twenty-four hour spring break? Hell yeah!

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Stress is in the air. Midterms after midterms are slamming students while they labor through their spring semesters online. Luckily, UW-Madison sensed this stress, and they are generous enough to give us a Friday AND two Saturday’s off of school! When asked about this altruistic decision, the Chancellor told us: “we just knew that a Saturday off would be super relieving for a lot of students — and we’re really really concerned about their mental health right now.”

Students deserve a break, which is why these luxurious twenty four hours are going to be so relaxing. However, some Badgers are planning on brutally abusing this extensive spring break. Nicole, a Kappa, stated she will be leaving for Miami on Saturday morning and returning Saturday night to enjoy the full extent of the break. When reminded we’re in a global pandemic, Nicole seemed confused, and stated “I just need my sun.” 

For students who have stayed in all year, the days off can’t come sooner. Olivia, who already has no classes on Fridays — and surprisingly none on Saturdays either — has stated that she will be enjoying the day off by only watching two asynchronous lectures, instead of her usual four. She will also be celebrating spring break by studying for 12 hours at a local coffee shop, instead of in her dorm room.

While spring break is short this year, the school is taking some initiatives to help improve kids' mental health. Besides giving free snacks at Memorial Union — nothing says spring break in Miami like some barbecue chips and a pepsi — the administration has decided to spice things up. In an exclusive Almanac interview, a Gordon's manager revealed they will soon be offering bottomless mimosas. This new initiative will occur only on wellness days, and it will hopefully relieve some students stress. Of course, only four may be seated to a table, which may lose some customers to Vintage. However, nothing can beat buying these bottomless drinks like using mommy’s dining plan money. Students will be able to go to Gordons at 7 a.m. and get absolutely wasted for “spring break.” You won’t even notice it’s 30 degrees out, and Lake Mendota feels just like the Caribbean Sea when you’re drunk enough!

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