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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, December 09, 2023

Sesh with Becky?

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Legal weed? What a game changer. Gov. Tony Evers has released a budget plan that proposes legalizing medicinal and recreational marijuana in Wisconsin. The UW-Madison administration has decided to wholeheartedly endorse this change when it comes. 

Administration is experimenting with ways they will adapt to this new legalization. One way they’re planning on spicing things up for students is by inserting random amounts of weed into different dishes at the dining halls. Every day, different foods will be infused, and students will never know whether or not they will be hit with 40 mg plus of marijuana after leaving our beautiful dining halls. 

Another idea they’re considering is completely shutting down the Nick, and creating the world’s first five floor dispensary. This high-end dispensary would become an image of our school, and the first thing potential students and parents would see when visiting the UW-Madison website. 

Potentially, the Madison administration is even considering going as far as changing the classic ‘W’ logo to an image of Bucky Badger with a joint in his mouth. That would for sure draw people in to study at this amazing institution.  

Other initiatives include the creation of a mandated 4/20 holiday, which students must participate in, and employing the Duo Login Push feature in a whole new way. Administration is considering sending out a push every day at 4:20 — a.m. and p.m. of course — to remind kids what time it is and what they must do. Along with testing spit for COVID-19, scientists will be testing for weed and disciplining students whose tests come up negative. Computer science majors are also working on programming the starship robots to be able to work for dispensaries, and deliver weed directly to dorms. 

Lastly, Becky will be picking one lucky student to sesh with. UW-Madison is even considering raising the cost of tuition to cover this sesh. 

Just remember, once weed is legal, you can legally get high whenever and wherever you are. The Dean’s Office? High. FAFSA interview? High. Your one in-person class? High. Internships at the local elementary school? Higher. Badgers will soon be unstoppable.

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