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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, December 09, 2023
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Man struck with raining kangaroo; sues sky

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

This past Sunday, a Madison man filed suit against the sky after being hit with a raining kangaroo. Frederick Harold Schumer-Harold, the subject of the case, experienced severe injuries to his sense of what is possible in the physical world and is seeking damages of 18 clouds.

“I was taking my usual stroll to purchase my 9 p.m. pancakes when, suddenly, it started raining fricken’ kangaroos! This bouncy little guy landed on me, nuts straight to my face! It was very unpleasant,” said Schumer-Harold of the incident. “While the initial trauma of a crass, kangaroo crotching was cripplingly heart-stopping, I feel I suffered more from the shock to my sense of reality. I had to be admitted into the mental ward! That’s what I call my parents’ house.”

Schumer-Harold’s lawyer has been slow to comment publicly; however, he has stated that his client has a “strong case,” and, while it will be a tough fight, he is certain that the sky will be “held accountable to the fullest extent of the law.”

The sky has denied any wrongdoing in the incident. While unsure how Schumer-Harold was struck with the kangaroo in question, the sky maintains it is undeniable transparent in its operations, and that this incident falls out of the realm of physics, by which the sky is bound.

Meteorologists have been looking into the incident but are struggling to come up with an explanation since, apparently, they only study meteors. A judge has not yet been selected to oversee the case, but it is unclear what information a judge could base a decision since there is such a shortage of expert information into how the event occurred.

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