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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, June 24, 2022
Pregnant teen male.

Madison area study reveals teen pregnancy rate among males has been stagnant for years

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

A recent study from the UW-Madison School of Ecology found that teen pregnancy rates among males have been stagnant for years. The team led by Professor Dr. Jones have compiled data trends from the last 10 years of incoming freshman.

The inspiration for the study came from a dream Jones had, “I woke up and looked down in a panic at my belly, but there wasn’t a bump…it felt so real, Can I keep the child? How will my mom react?’ All these thoughts came rushing through my head. I was so concerned — I just knew I had to help the boys who were struggling with this newfound responsibility.”

Jones predicted about half the incoming males would have experienced a scare over their teenage years, and of those one fifth would have resulted in a pregnancy. In fact, the total was much lower than that, trending at about 0.1% (this result Jones blamed on the small sample size due to students ignoring the emails he sent to collect data.) “I don’t feel like it was a waste of time, I think many males are just too shy to come forward. After all, this is a serious issue and one I plan on trying to solve through another round of data collection.”

What Jones discovered next would change his perspective on teen pregnancy forever, “It’s the condoms,” he boldly declares. “The rhetoric only describes the benefits of protection for women; it protects them against pregnancy, but not men.” 

When using a condom, the rubber barrier acts like a cage and turns the outward fertilization back into your body and self-fertilization occurs. Men who use condoms are 87% more likely to have this reversal occur which can lead to male pregnancy, Jones’ study finds.

“It’s sexist that these safe sex talks boast about condoms being effective against pregnancy, when, in fact, they only protect half our population. Boys, don’t be silly, unwrap your willy.” He demands that the campus wide Sex Out Loud talk include a portion on the dangers of contraception for men. 

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