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Friday, February 26, 2021

New major offered within SOHE, ‘Rights Determination Policy’

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

With the recent outpouring of a new, wildly original archetype within meme culture, UW-Madison has decided to add a new major to their progressive School of Human Ecology: Rights Determination Policy. 

This major seeks to decide who does, in fact, deserve rights. 

Twitter has been full of discussions over whether virgos, people who pour their milk before their cereal, folks with butterfly tattoos, gym rats, those who actually enjoy listening to Lil Pump, and the like deserve to be considered humans, and thus benefit from the rights associated with such an identification. 

Such rights entail freedom of speech, the right to assembly, the ability to purchase the spice-level of salsa that you want to consume despite what your roommates say, the choice of who you want to marry (well… sort of), the occasional right to a good education and clean drinking water, and much more. 

This area of study will serve to sift through the masses of potential identities that exist, and will predictably come to exist, and will resolve the burning question of whether they deserve such inalienable rights or not. 

Rumor has it, the major will consist of four concentrations: questionable music taste, film preferences, social mannerisms, and the most complicated of all, the male-identifying species. 

The major will also pioneer a novel ranking system for rights, detailed as follows: “definitely deserves rights,” “can possess MOST rights,” “you are sort of human,” “it’s a no from me,” and “who are you kidding.” 

The university has received much pushback from radical left and right wing activists alike, the left arguing that everything that consists of atoms deserves rights, and the right arguing that a raging liberal university like UW could never make such determinations. However, experts believe that there is a different reason that both sides of the aisle are upset over the new academic department: neither group deserves rights. 

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