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Saturday, March 02, 2024
University PD released this photo from the crime scene on Wednesday.

University PD released this photo from the crime scene on Wednesday.

Batman caught stealing Terrace chair, called “Gotham’s disgrace” by Commissioner

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Despite the fact that Batman has repeatedly and single-handedly saved Gotham City from many unimaginable perils, the  Gotham City police department Commissioner James Gordon announced  Wednesday the city’s intentions to  shun Batman. 

This announcement comes after the caped crusader attempted to steal a chair from Union Terrace on Tuesday but was foiled by the UW-Madison police department. 

The entire city  mourned their favorite hero’s fall from grace following  the  announcement from Commissioner Gordon.

“We are just so ashamed of ourselves,” Gordon said to hundreds of tear-streaked, emotionally bewildered faces as rain poured down from the bleak skies. 

A nearby assistant offered Gordon an umbrella, but he waved it away with disdain. He shook his head as tears joined the drops of rain rolling down his quivering cheeks. 

“We can’t believe our fair city has produced such a diabolical villain. Only the most dastardly criminal would attempt to steal a chair from the Union Terrace. The university doesn’t nearly have the funds to constantly replace those very expensive, comfortable chairs.”

According to  the university police, Batman was apprehended mid-steal early Tuesday afternoon at the Union Terrace with a chair in his hands. 

He had apparently consumed an estimated four pitchers of Spotted Cow and was in the middle of carrying the chair to his illegally parked Batmobile in the middle of Alumni Park. 

Police administered sobriety testing. After determining Batman was at least three times above the legal blood alcohol limit, they planned to simply cite him and allow him to continue on his way. 

As police officer Jane Smith recalls from the incident, the attempted theft of the chair “really set her off.”

“If he were simply drunk as a skunk and going to drive home, we would’ve let him off with a warning,” she said. “But he was trying to steal irreplaceable university property. Gotham was right to exile him. A crime like that… It’s inexcusable!”

Batman was taken to the county jail for the night, but when officers approached his cell in the morning, they inexplicably found an extremely hungover Bruce Wayne in Batman’s place. 

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Officers are still searching for Batman since his impossible escape and warn the public to look out for a grown man in a bat costume stealing Terrace chairs.

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