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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, March 03, 2024
Two girls pause to take a selfie as they plunge to their untimely deaths.

Two girls pause to take a selfie as they plunge to their untimely deaths.

United passengers stage mid-flight walkout amidst latest controversial aviation dispute

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In the wake of United’s latest predictable scandal, passengers on United flight 42069 staged a protest Monday afternoon; at approximately 12:49pm Central Time, passengers rose from their seats, formed a single-file line (picket signs in hand) and shuffled to the emergency exit doors, and, with the help of those seated in the exit row, opened the emergency doors and inevitably plunged to their deaths below. 

“Yeah, we don’t care,” a spokeswoman for United said in a press statement the following evening. “It should be obvious to you guys at this point. We just really don’t care.”

According to an acquaintance of a participant, the walkout was scheduled for 12:49pm Eastern Time.

“Time zones, clocks turning back, how the hell is anyone supposed to know what time it is if the intergalactic political space pirates are trying to warp the very fabric of reality?” the source asked Cardinal correspondents from his underground home in North Dakota, his face hidden behind a Guy Fawkes mask and his oily hair tucked beneath a tinfoil hat. “Space pirates did this. The reptilian overlords made them do it. And Hillary Clinton is behind it all.”

Evidence and sources speculate that the confusion over the time change didn’t matter, because either way, passengers would have still been at cruising altitude for the originally scheduled time.

The U.S. Sanitation Department responsible for cleaning the remains spattered over a main highway in Boise, Idaho had this to say about the controversial deaths of the 285 people that participated in the walkout: “Protests are the lifeblood of this great country. But this seems a little excessive. Doesn’t it?”

In response to this tragic confusion over the time zone change, United has stated that they haven’t yet, and “probably won’t” do anything to compensate for the circumstances or for ceremonies held by the families of the deceased. When asked why, United  reps shrugged and responded: “They’ll probably walk out of the funerals anyway, right?”

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