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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, November 29, 2023
Ted Cruz comfortably delivers a campaign speech at a safe distance from the nearest body of water.

Ted Cruz comfortably delivers a campaign speech at a safe distance from the nearest body of water.

Ted Cruz’s fear of water may present campaign hurdles in coastal states

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Citing his inability to swim and his faith-based hatred of scantily clad youth, Texas Senator and presidential hopeful Ted Cruz said Wednesday that he never has, nor never will, set foot in or near either of America’s oceans.

This revelation comes as a surprise to Cruz supporters who had perceived the self-proclaimed Texan as a rugged and adventurous outdoorsman. 

“It’s always been a priority of mine to elect a strong, capable man of God,” said one Florida conservative. “I thought Cruz was my guy this year, but it turns out he’s just a big dumb wuss who can’t swim.”

In addition to the personality concerns voiced by some conservative pundits, Cruz’s unique phobia raises a few pressing questions about the future of his campaign. 

“Considering that nearly 40 percent of Americans live within a few miles of either coast, Cruz’s campaign could suffer huge losses if he doesn’t figure out a way to campaign near water,” said political analyst and lifeguard Julia Collings. “Maybe he could wear a lifejacket or something?”

According to sources close to Cruz, this type of peculiar behavior is nothing new. “Ted’s always been a bit...unique,” says his mother, Eleanor Darragh. “On family trips to the beach he’d insist on staying in the car. We’d come back hours later and he’d still be shaking in rage and fear.”

Though Cruz’s land-bound campaign has already made a big splash in the Iowa caucus and brought waves of supporters to rallies around the country, one thing is certain: Ted Cruz will be hard-pressed to keep his campaign afloat if he can’t overcome this crippling fear.

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