I’ve been losing sleep lately. Tossing and turning all night, unable to clear my head of the question that just can’t be satisfied. It makes no sense, but I’ve looked at all the stats and figures, studied the laws of motion and researched feats of human strength—it just doesn’t add up. Jesus, the savior of all humanity, the son of God, who had powers to heal people and fly wherever he chose, simply can’t be more powerful than the new RAM® 2500 Big Horn edition truck. It pains me to say it, but something deep in my soul just knows there is no reasonable way that Jesus could beat a truck this big in a one-on-one battle.
The Jesus I believe in, the Jesus of empathy and love, wouldn’t shy away from a rightful conflict with an enemy challenging his powers. If a large pickup truck were to try and come after him, he would stay and fight. If not for his own dignity, then for those of us who look to him as a source of light in a dark world. He would stay and give his all, fighting with every blow to prove the worthiness and sin-avoiding capabilities of humankind.
All that said, Jesus would probably get run over and hurt pretty bad if he was foolish enough to stand up against a hard-charging, 7,000 pound Dodge. A 5.7 liter Hemi V8 generates over 400 horsepower and can tow over 17,000 pounds. This would be easily sufficient to tear the bearded King Among Men into shreds, or flatten him like a pancake into the streets of Bethlehem. Generous estimates from historians put Jesus at around 5-foot-7 and 140 pounds, which isn’t tiny, but he would obviously not be hefty enough to put up much of a fight, or even really decrease the retail value of the vehicle. In reality, Jesus’ tiny little body probably wouldn’t even dent the hood.
This stark realization has made me increasingly uncertain about the future. Every Sunday now, as I’m driving to church, I can’t help but think about how easily Jesus would be destroyed if he got in the way of my truck. I’d slam on the brakes and the tires would be squealing and screeching on the pavement, but I wouldn’t be able to stop in time. Jesus’ eyes would go all wide and his face would barely have time to form a look of shock before his head smashed through the windshield of my 2016 RAM® 2500 Big Horn edition truck and his blood poured over the seats and dashboard like a broken bottle of communion wine. He wouldn’t stand a chance, man. The man who died for our sins and loved our broken kind no matter how badly we erred, the man who taught compassion and empathy at every turn—left for dead in the front seat of my Big Horn.
I suppose this leaves us with a harrowing conclusion: No matter how great his lessons were, no matter how charismatic and kind and oddly-white-for-being-Arabic Jesus was, he could never be more powerful than a truck. His small sun-tanned body, super powers and all, would be left in a ragdoll heap at first contact with a RAM® 2500. No amount of love for our neighbors or turn-the-other-cheek compassion will ever change that. No amount of fish duplication or home brewed wine will restore Jesus to his place atop the earthly hierarchy of power. There is nothing left for Mr. Christ to prove—he’s simply not as powerful as a 2016 Ram 2500 Big Horn edition.
