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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, November 27, 2022
Blank painting

Hipster artist renounces physical realm, exclusively produces blank paintings

Hipster artist Luke Johnson renounced the physical realm late Monday evening, resulting in a massive plummet in sales for the offbeat painter in large part due to his signature blank paintings.

Johnson, a recluse, believed the physical realm was simply too clichéd for his artistic gift and shackled him to the limitations of the senses. According to the artist, renouncing the physical realm consisted of three quick tugs on his man bun, while riding a wild sheep wrestled down the slopes of the alpine mountains, topped off with a relaxing cup of Trainwreck Tea.

Unfortunately for consumers who have not undergone this process, the resultant artwork produced by Johnson appears to be a blank painting. A single painting has yet to be sold, however, due to his current audience’s unwillingness to give up the necessities of basic human function, such as slowly licking record players and knitting scarves from linen produced by their flax gardens.

Cardinal reporters pulled aside Kate Zeffer, the sole possible buyer of the artist’s work, to inquire about her interest in this very abstract form of art. “I can see it really bringing together my converted meat locker home,” Keffer said while working at her VHS shop. “Anyone who I view as worth talking to will appreciate this beautiful piece of art, it’s just so gritty.”

At press time, ultimately, nothing is known of Johnson due to his body being left at home with his consciousness as the only aspect of him making an appearance.

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