Canada no longer accepting America’s political refugees

While America’s role in the worldwide refugee crisis continues to be an issue of contention among politicians, Canadian leaders acted swiftly Wednesday with the release of an official statement: “At this time we believe it is in Canada’s best interests to prevent asylum-seeking Americans from entering our country. It’s not personal, but it’s simply too hard to be sure American refugees wouldn’t endanger Canadian people.”

Though America is a stable country in most senses, recent foreign policy comments made by conservative politicians have been deemed “so xenophobic and ill-informed” that some citizens are simply too ashamed to live in this country anymore.

The stream of American refugees flowing into Canada was slow at first, but as more state governors began to voice their ethnocentric and bigoted opinions about the risks of hosting Syrian refugees, Americans from all over the nation began packing up their things and moving to “a first world country that actually cares about the well-being of the global community.”

Canada has traditionally had very friendly relations with the U.S., but, according to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, “In this time of worldwide crisis, it is unclear who can be trusted and who cannot. First and foremost, we must keep Canadians safe from outside influence that could threaten our peaceful and equitable way of life.”

Canadian policy analyst Victor Martin explained the situation further. “Canada simply cannot risk opening its doors to these people fleeing their bigoted American home states. Sure, most of them would be safe, but what if some of the refugees are also bigots who just want to spread their message in another nation? We can’t take any chances with these people.”

At press time, hordes of refugees near the Canadian border had received word of their rejection, and promptly began to redirect their march towards Mexico. Said one man hoping to receive asylum in a less selfish country, “The march toward safety will not be easy, but it is better than letting my children be exposed to the increasing horrors of my home country.”

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