Low risk of stabbings causes man to boycott Freakfest

Mostly due to increased policing, Freakfest has become rather subdued and almost exclusively stab-free in recent years. As a result, local man Darrell Fingus has vowed to skip the annual event until he feels that his once-sufficient chances of being stabbed have been restored.

Says Fingus of the event, “I don’t care about the music or the parties or anything, I just wanted some danger in my life, ya know? Something to get the pulse going and make you really understand what it’s like to be alive, while at the same time trying to come to terms with your own mortality.”

Fingus is “certain” he’s not the only one who thinks Freakfest has become “too sissy.” “Back in the heyday pretty much everyone who went was trying to get stabbed or something,” he said. “There were 100,000 people on State Street, and I’d bet most of ‘em were just there to see who was gonna get stabbed.”

“You can tell that the event’s gotten too soft because families are starting to bring their kids,” Fingus continued. “If people were still getting stabbed there probably wouldn’t be any toddlers walking around.”

When asked what he plans to do instead of attending the event, Fingus said he’ll probably “just go over to a buddy’s house and hang out or, ya know, stab stuff.”

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