In honor of Love Your Body Day this Wednesday, October 14th, we’re talking about losing ourselves in loving ourselves. Recognizing the beauty of our bodacious bods puts us in the driver’s seat on the road to pleasure. As the amazing and lovely staff at Sex Out Loud has put it, “When we choose to love ourselves, in spite of the influences telling us we are not good enough, we protest the idea that a woman’s (or anyone’s) body must look a particular way for others. When we love our bodies, we’re in control of seeking out pleasure! Who’d a thought touchin’ your bod could be a protest?”
Masturbation is a fantastic first step toward loving thyself. Getting “in touch” with our bodies on our own makes finding pleasure with a partner that much easier. The way we touch ourselves doesn’t necessarily have to translate into how our partners touch us, but it can most certainly help us recognize when we like something, don’t like something or need a different sensation. Knowing what it feels like in the moments before orgasm allows us to let our partner know if they should just keep swimming, or go over it, not through it (“Finding Nemo,” anyone?).
We might be surprised to find that when we are jacking or jilling off we enjoy a softer sensation, but when someone else is involved we like it all kinds of rough (or vice versa). Being aware of what we like on our own versus during partnered activity helps to define a sense of individual sexuality.
The messages we receive every day about who is allowed to touch their own body and in what way can leave us feeling like we’re not allowed to be sexual beings. Which parts feel good when they are touched? Which sensations give us goosies and which ones should be avoided? These questions are integral in the quest for pleasure, and not coincidentally, a partner is not required to answer them; remember, we are sexual beings whether someone else is playing with our junk or not.
Blazing the trails on our own before asking a partner to tag along will make sexcapades even more satisfying. Giving ourselves a license to explore our bodies and what makes us feel good is the first and most important step toward a body-positive outlook. To get the most pleasure out of a situation and have clear answers for questions like, “What do you want me to do?” or “Does that feel good,” a basic understanding of one’s own body and its pleasure centers is a necessity.
For those of us who don’t have porn-star bodies (aka virtually everyone), staring in the mirror at the collection of nooks, crannies and curves in front of you can bring up some serious self-doubt. “How could someone think I’m sexy when my breasts don’t point due north?” Can’t seem to shake the flashbacks to Salt N Pepa’s hit jam “Short Dick Man?” Unfortunately, fears of scaring off a partner by a less-than-Ron-Jeremy-sized member didn’t die after the ‘90s.
Then there are the doubts about sex itself. What if I say something weird or *gasp* my ass betrays me and toots during sex? What if I ask my partner to go down on me and they don’t want to? Won’t this ruin everything???
Fear of ruining sex or not being sexy enough for sex is damaging the intimate lives of far too many, but when it comes to loving our bodies and living up to our most delectable fantasies, emulating porn shouldn’t be the goal.
Porn can be great (and super not great) for a lot of things, but it is not a guide to how sex should play out in our bedrooms, and this is a good thing! Porn can get us in the mood, give us ideas and get us off, but it tends to leave out all the warm and fuzzy aspects of sex. It leaves out the forehead kisses and the laughter about the noises our bodies make. It leaves out the accidental parts slipping out of parts and asking to change positions for better comfort that ultimately inspire better communication and heightened intimacy. Recognizing personhood is powerful, especially if that means noticing flaws and embracing them.
It’s important to consider that the single-instance interaction style typically presented in porn doesn’t show the montage of moments that lead up to any specific performance. Banging one out with a six-packed plumber who knocked on the door is a totally viable fantasy, but it ignores the process of communication and trust-building necessary for certain varsity-level sextivities. Slowly building up trust with a person and allowing more and more exposure is like the grown-up sexy version of a trust fall.
Good sex cannot be boiled down to two (or more) sets of genitals rubbing together or entering and exiting each other. Sex is so much more than this and should be a full-body process. Stimulating an earlobe might be more pleasurable than rubbing a clit; kissing might be more exciting than a partner’s hand on a penis; embracing the eroticism of our whole bodies opens up avenues for exploration and teaches us to love parts we’ve never even considered before.
Tits, asses and penises are great (oh so, so great), but there is so much more to love on a body! Having a partner explore those nooks, crannies and curves we were scrutinizing this morning can make us feel seriously vulnerable, but it’s also one of the best ways to learn to love ourselves. Hearing a partner say things like “you are so sexy” repeatedly can begin to melt away the ridiculous standards our bodies are so often held to. If we feel like a partner is not contemplating our sexiness while getting sweaty, it might be time for us to contemplate kicking them to the curb—just a thought.
Exercising, eating well and taking care of our bodies is important, but loving them as they come is more important. If each bite of broccoli is filled with the hope of a shrinking waistline, satisfaction may never come to us. Putting in the work to keep ourselves feelin’ foxy should be celebrated, but breathlessly running toward the unattainable goals media and magazines push toward us will leave everyone dissatisfied.
Don’t forget:
Our bodies get us up the stairs to our next lecture. They pedal and push and pull and lift and laugh for us all day long; the least we can do is appreciate how very hot they are. Grab a handful of ass. Trace a finger across some supple skin. Flex different muscles and watch the beautiful shapes they contract and relax into. The sexiness of a body is not determined by how it compares to other bodies. Giving ourselves pleasure, reminding our partners how sexy they are, and having those sweet nothings whispered right back to us will have us losing ourselves in loving ourselves.
Want to know the best way to tell your pooh bear how sweet their honey pot is? Ask Anna at sex@dailycardinal.com
