Listen up sweet baby Badgers: it’s time to change the way we do consent. Whenv consent gets press, it’s usually because some cockroach forgot that they don’t own the world and all the bodies that inhabit it—I think it should be put into sexier terms.
To clarify, consent is the presence of a clear, freely given, informed, enthusiastic and continuous “yes”—not the absence of a “no.” “Clear” means unambiguous. “Freely given” means not coerced. “Informed” means knowing medically relevant information about ourselves and our partners. “Enthusiastic” means we should really want to fuck the people we’re fucking and they should really want to fuck us. “Continuous” because just one yes is not best, keep the yeses coming. Not saying “no” is not the same as saying “yes.”
Let’s get to the good shit—using consent to level up our sex lives.
Whether you’re gettin’ busy with your long-term lovebird or a new kid on the block, having consent is always key. Recognizing when consent has been violated is crucial, but switching to a sex positive perspective gives us a better understanding of what consent really is and how it should be.
It’s time to shift the discussion from “is this okay?” or “do you wanna have sex?” (although these are both totally acceptable ways to ask for consent) to “tell me how you want it” or “do you like it like that?” In the heat of the moment, we may just want to dive right in so as not to kill the sexy vibez, but this can leave our partner pondering how to say no rather than moaning breathy yeses.
Exchanging sexy whisperings about what we’re doing with our bodies allows us to get lost in the steaminess and truly enjoy ourselves.
Maybe the ambiance of the dimly lit basement party had the cutie-in-question feeling totally on board the train to pound town, but the stark reality of gettin’ rowdy in an unknown Badger’s bed has them hitting the brakes. Asking our partners if they’re into it allows us to know what to do next. Also, being asked about what we want to happen generally makes us feel safe and empowered aka comfy aka let’s bang.
Dirty dialogue also lets our partner know that feedback is much appreciated, and it’s okay if a sexual Chinese fire drill is needed. Part of asking if our partner likes what we’re doing means that the answer could very well be “no.” This is okay! We need to remember that we are not going to “ruin sex.”* If our partner is not picking up what we’re putting down it simply means that it’s time to switch things up—position-wise or otherwise—to find a new and delightful sensation.
Remember that when mixing dirty talk and sex there are 40,000 different people on this campus, meaning 40,000 different preferences about what we like to be called or not called while working up a sexy sweat. If we know our partner likes to be called something in bed we can feel good about incorporating that into our sexy-consenual-dirty-talk. On the other hand, just because we’ve heard words like “slut” or “whore” thrown around during dirty talk on the tube doesn’t mean we should use them willy-nilly—be original folks.
What’s the takeaway? Sex should be fun! We don’t want a “yes,” we want a “HELL yes!” We don’t want it to be pretty good, we want all of our socks to turn to actual stone because they were rocked so hard. The only sure way to “ruin sex” is by not being on the same page as our love muffin. Making the leap from having good sex to having great sex is all too easy once we get that dirty dialogue percolating. Consent: not a hassle, but rather the warm-and-gooey marshmallow filling to our sexual s’more.
*(I borrowed the concept of not being afraid to “ruin sex” from an amazing person named Lucky. She works for The Tool Shed in Milwaukee which is a fantastic sex-pos, feminist sex toy store (and much more) with tons and tons of mind-blowingly cool stuff. Check it out).
Is there a buddy in your bed who needs a sexy talking to? Hit me up for other ways to tantalize and titillate (hehe titties) your sweetie at sex@dailycardinal.com
