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Saturday, May 25, 2024

The Dirty Bird: How to charm the pants off your spring sweetie

SING IT WITH ME: “When the weather outside is increasingly less frightful and you’re still a pyromaniac...” as the old spring-beckoning song goes, it’s often time we find ourselves a mate! Sometimes it’s the slightly above-zero temperatures and sometimes it’s that lull in the middle of the semester when we’re up 15 pounds, but whatever the case may be, it seems more couples pop up in the spring semester than any other time of year.

Today, we’re going to talk about finding that special someone, how to keep ‘em interested and how to blow their mind in the sack even if we may be intimidated by having someone new to bone.

How to find ‘em

When it comes to partners, there are two pretty distinct approaches that really float people’s boats. We have the “Gotta Catch ‘Em All” mentality or a “That’s A Bingo!” mindset. We can either find a variety of new people to keep as our regular Friday or Saturday soirees or we can settle down for a spectacular someone who will hold our attention for at least a couple of months.

If we’re more like Pokemon when it comes to love, we should head out. You know: out, out. We should head to the bars, the street life, maybe even a house party of a well-connected friend or coworker. Finding tipsy honeys to throw our number at is never a challenge, especially if we’ve got good game or are well groomed, and we never know what kind of hotties are looking for someone just like us to take home for the night.

Maybe we’re less of a player and more of a relationship reveler. Finding our new boos at parties or bars is never a bad idea, but there are other places to look if we want something a little more sustainable. The “friends first” approach to love should never be overlooked, so we should let our relationships grow organically. Maybe we’re getting close with a member of our student organization, or maybe we saw someone looking fine holding a book at College Library (wait, those people can read?). Whatever the case may be, we should keep our minds open to new possibilities when looking for the next “The One.”

How to hook ‘em

“The only thing harder than getting in is staying in.” Glad I read “The Clique” when I was younger, aren’t you? However, that handy dandy idiom is true! It is easy as pie to find a new partner who falls for us, but keeping them interested can be super tricky. Here are a couple fail-safe ways to keep our new partner enchanted.

We need to be willing to show our partners that we can offer more than just a couple of fun nights by upping our activities game. Although the “Netflix and pizza” game referenced in my last article can be relaxing and bonding, showing our special someone that we’re able to go out of our comfort zone and try new things can make us very attractive.

Madison is a hotbed of activities. Go see a concert, a show at the Comedy Club ($2.00 on Wednesdays and no drink minimum!), a movie at Union South, even take a walk or try a new restaurant. And that doesn’t even scratch the surface of what our town has to offer. Try mixing it up to create unique experiences for your new partner and for yourself!

How to make ‘em stay

Another way to hook our new hookup (ahaha) is by showing them our appreciation and not allowing ourselves to become complacent. Not everyone has an easy time finding someone they care about who cares about them in return. We shouldn’t take our relationship for granted at any point, and we shouldn’t be scared to share with that n00b how happy they make us or how giddy they make us feel. Affirmations can seem tiresome, but very few people get tired of hearing how phenomenal we think they are. Be genuine, but we should always strive to let that person know just how appreciated they are.

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Perhaps the most important way to keep someone interested is allowing them to get to know us more deeply. The butterflies that come with a new partner eventually fizzle out—unless we’re the luckiest people in the world—but what maintains the bond and confidence in the relationship is depth and understanding. Although showing our true selves to people we want to constantly impress can seem uncomfortable or intimidating, the payoff can be invaluable, especially if our new person offers insights and appreciation for what makes us who we are.

How to love ‘em right

When we hook up with someone we’re invested in longer-term, it’s easy to get super nervous. There’s always pressure to impress and blow our sweetie’s mind, but it doesn’t always happen so easily. Maybe we come too fast, maybe we can’t come at all, or maybe we feel too anxious to even get turned on. All of these sexual snafus are completely normal, however they can make us feel incompetent and our partners dissatisfied. What to do!?

Most importantly, work together to communicate how to make the dirty deeds most enjoyable for everyone. By laying out some of our insecurities, we build trust, which helps calm those sexual anxieties more than anything else. We should also aim to be upfront with our partners about how our bodies are functioning—if we aren’t sleeping with a total shithead, they should be able to understand why ideal sexual stuff isn’t always realistic for every person every time.

In conclusion…

“Be yourself,” which is a cliche I can’t believe I avoided this whole time. I rule! Allowing a person to get to know you and being able to fully express yourself is imperative for helping relationships grow and can help each of us grow as people as well. As Zefron would say, “Get your head in the game,” although we all know that what he really meant was “Don’t freak out and try allowing people to like you regardless of your inability to maintain an erection.”

Want to go on a date with Alex? Email to have her pencil you in.

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