Study shows most lung cancer patients were badasses in high school

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A recent study from the American Lung Cancer Association reveals 87 percent of lung cancer patients are smokers and, consequently, also badasses.

Stage three lung cancer patient Craig Davidson, 62, dons this title proudly.

“I have no regrets,” Davidson proclaimed. “I was the coolest kid in my grade when I started smoking at 16, and all the radiation and chemotherapy treatments in the world wouldn’t make me take that back.”

Davidson recognizes that people’s attitudes toward smoking have changed in recent decades.

“People just don’t look at me with the same admiration anymore,” Davidson said. “Smoking is taboo now, and it’s just not enough to warrant respect anymore. But still, no regrets.”

Davidson says he wishes smoking was illegal so he could relive his rebellious days of high school.

“Sometimes I hand roll cigarettes so it looks like I’m smoking a joint,” Davidson said. “But now even that’s not enough to give me a thrill, since I have a medical marijuana license for the cancer.”

Norma James, 71-year-old cancer patient also says smoking cigarettes elevated her social status in high school, which she believes mitigates any lasting negative health effects from the carcinogens in cigarettes.

“I remember I saw an ad when I was in high school about how smoking gives a woman sex appeal,” James said. “I started smoking, and suddenly every boy wanted me. They called me ‘Good Time Norma.’ All the other girls were jealous.”

James does not believe smoking is frowned upon in today’s society. She has encouraged all four of her grandchildren to start smoking, despite their apprehension.

“Grandma Norma is always trying to get us to smoke,” said her nine-year-old granddaughter Grace Olsen. “I didn’t really consider it until she threatened to stop baking us her famous cranberry muffins unless we tried a few puffs.”

“I just want my grandchildren to be as cool as I was,” James said.

James recently joined a lung cancer support group but was asked to leave after she ostracized non-smoking members and pressured them to ‘light up’ at meetings.

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