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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, May 30, 2024

Congress bracket pool to brutally humiliate losing party, pamper winners

Political leaders in Washington are just as excited about March Madness as the rest of the country; elected officials recently came together despite an intensely divided Congress to organize a high stakes bracket pool that pits the parties against each other in friendly competition.

The concept of the bracket pool is the same as any, but Congress has gotten pretty creative with the payouts. The losing party will be subject to spending a night sleepover-style in the White House’s spooky ‘Lincoln Bedroom.’ Additionally, losers will be forced to wear a wardrobe consisting exclusively of JoS. A. Bank products, relegating them to woefully poor-quality clothing for the remainder of this congressional session.

The primary prize for the winning party will allow them to wear nothing but flip-flops in the congressional chambers.

“The Democrats absolutely cannot win this,” Speaker of the House John Boehner said. “I’m not sure I’d be able to handle Nancy Pelosi’s nasty bunion feet in anything but close-toed shoes.”

The most severe punishment will force members of the losing party to attend Joe Biden’s biannual toga-themed barbeque. The remarkably distasteful event has left past guests “pretty weirded out” by his farm animal home decor and Neil Diamond-heavy party playlist.

“I need my sleeper pick Wyoming to come through for me on this one,” one congressman said. “I really can’t tolerate another party at Joe’s place. I’ll never understand [Biden’s] penchant for absinthe daiquiris.”

Other rewards consist of 20 percent off Target coupons and Totino’s Pizza Rolls brought to winners during committee meetings. One Congress member wants the W so badly that he offered to bankroll a new car for every Duke player if they win it all, despite that being a blatant violation of NCAA policies.

Despite the harsh consequences, Congress maintains that they’re just “having good ol’ fun with basketball and hostile party lines.” One Democrat said he was “glad to take on the Republicans in a contest without private funding,” while Republican leaders projected an easy win because “progressive Democrats are probably way more into cricket or water polo anyways.”

Congressional spokespeople refuted criticism about allotting so much time for the bracket challenge by saying, “If we can accurately predict whether or not Wofford will beat Arkansas in the first round, then controlling ISIS should be an absolute breeze.”

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