Vertically challenged individual finds fulfillment as armrest
Armrest Sarah Cander relishes with exuberance as she provides blissful comfort to much taller friend James Ford.
Local short woman and UW-Madison sophomore Sarah Cander discovered a sense of immense delight and contentment upon finally finding a use for her diminutive stature as an armrest.
Standing beneath her much taller and more normal looking friend James Ford, Cander reached a triumphant catharsis and state of nirvana with the realization that along with the extensive disadvantages of her height, there was at least some silver lining.
“I’ve never felt more at home,” Cander told Daily Cardinal reporters who rushed to the scene. “This is my purpose. My true calling.”
Cander had spent the previous 20 years of her life on an assortment of unsuccessful pursuits, consistently failing to possess the height necessary to be even remotely productive.
“High-jumping, journalism, leaf-picking… you name it, I’ve tried it,” Cander said while neatly tucked away underneath a perfect right-angle formed by Ford’s appropriately sized arms. “Nothing ever worked. But this, I could get used to this.”
Cander and Ford have been friends for several years, but never experimented with their skeletons in this way before.
“Don’t tell Sarah this, but I’ve always kind of viewed her as perfect size for leaning on,” Ford said. “I always wanted to try it, but was too afraid to ask her. What if she rejected my proposal?”
Hundreds of students skipped lectures to take in the spectacle, and many snapped photographs and pointed fingers in glee at the exquisitely arranged pair.
After several hours of merriment, Cander appeared to be remarkably less enthused and most of the onlookers retreated, likely due to the obscene stench emanating from the perspiration of Ford’s armpit.Subscribe to The Daily Cardinal Newsletter