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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, April 23, 2024

The Dirty Bird: Interview with a Bangin’ Badger Bro

Yooooou guessed it! Likely from the headline, you all have likely concluded it’s that time of the month again. No, not shark week! It’s time for an interview with a University of Wisconsin-Madison Man.

My hunky man-friend is in high demand. He’s absolutely gorgeous with dark hair and tan skin, and he’s in a fraternity known for being… how you say… chill. While his big words and gentlemanly demeanor can seem intimidating (and even pretentiously douchey!), he is sweet as honey and hot like lava! And he’s here to give you a dude’s perspective on dating in the Badger City.

Alex: There are a lot of hookups that go on around our campus, and for a great looking guy like yourself, sex is really accessible. What makes a girl worthy of being in a relationship with you versus just a hookup?

Mr. Moneybags: I have to share a passion with her. I need a girl who is willing to talk about things that aren’t gossip, that aren’t trivial matters. I don’t want a basic person. I want someone who espouses a lot of the beliefs I have and is able to engage in critical thought. I expect some level of competence and intelligence in a girl—I want someone with a passion, even if it’s the complete opposite of my beliefs.

I want someone who can stand up and say, “Here’s my belief, here’s why I feel this way. Let’s stand up and talk this out.” I think that’s incredibly attractive, I love when people know things and want to share what they know. That’s probably the biggest thing, but there’s a bit of a “try new things, meet new people” vibe in Madison, and I want to have that experience, too.

Alex: Describe your ideal date.

Moneybags: Let’s start out by making it the summer and escaping this abysmal cold. I’m a huge fan of just staying in, pizza, Netflix, that’s fine with me. But this is a great city to be outside, and you know, I have “Europe Envy” so like dinner outside and then conversation for a long time would be awesome for me, especially if there’s a great view of the lake or something.

Alex: What’s one of your biggest turn-ons?

Moneybag$: A girl who wants to take charge in the bedroom.

Alex: So, how open are you to kinky stuff?

Moneybag$: Very open to it. I feel a little uncomfortable when I have to dominate because it’s not quite my thing. But I love when a girl is willing to dominate, you know, handcuffs, whips, the whole thing.

Alex: How about dirty talk? Name-calling?

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Moneybags: Oh yeah.

Alex: You’re fucking great. So when you’re with a girl, do you go downtown every time?

Moneybags: Lovingly referred to as “munching box,” it’s hands down probably my favorite thing to do in bed. I have issues with wanting to please, where I have trouble in bed during a sexual encounter I’m not performing well for the other person. That instantly puts you on the right path to doing a better job, and it’s also really fun knowing a girl enjoys it and I enjoy it.

It’s not like, “Oh, vaginas, terrifying!” They’re quite cool, actually. It’s really fun and you can have fun teasing around with it, kissing up a girl’s leg or nipping around down there. Even leaving a girl’s underwear on and just teasing that way. That can, I think, really heighten the experience for a girl, and that’s awesome for me.

Alex: You’re a younger student at this school. Where did all this “I like to tease the puss” experience come from?

Moneyman: I don’t know, I just, I’ve always been a pretty progressive guy who likes to try new things, I was in a long-term relationship where we did try new things, and I was 100 percent the more sexual one who wanted to experiment more. Who the hell knows where it came from? That’s me. It can be really fun to try new things.

Also, it can be really satisfying to tease a girl when a lot of the time they kind of have the power to decide when sex occurs, so it can be a little bit fun to turn the tables and be like, “I’m the one choosing not to have sex,” and that can be really fun to get the excitement going. I like to tease, sue me.

Alex: I’ve got no problem with that! How would you describe your relationship with porn?

Bag$$$: I really don’t like amature things or POVs, I’m totally obnoxious and pretentious when it comes to porn. I really enjoy the X-arts and the “Passions” where you’re getting really high quality porn, better resolution. I have a kink when it comes to porn, though. I hate facials but I love when a guy pulls out and comes on a girl’s naval.

Alex: So what would you say is your favorite position?

Moneybags: I love deep stick or ankles up. You get full, deep penetration and girls seem to enjoy that a lot. But I think reverse-cowgirl is fun too, it’s a fun way to change up girl on top.

Alex: Talk about ass versus titties.

Moneybags: I’m really neutral towards boobs. I feel like a lot of girls freak out about them like they’re the end-all be-all, but I think most guys are underratedly ass guys deep down. Boobs get you in the door, ass keeps you around. Boobs are fine and they’re kind of cute but they’re not as important to me. Definitely an ass guy, but I like fit, lean and fit, more than anything.

Alex: You distinguish yourself from other people regularly. What makes you different from the average guy when it comes to relationships?

Bag Boy: I would describe myself as sexually fluid. I’d say I’m a Kinsey one or two, so I’m not terrified of other men or anything like that. And like I told you, I really have trouble performing in bed if my partners not also enjoying it. So that, can be problematic sometimes where I can’t stay aroused or something, so I am a big pleasure, and that’s not to brag.

I also experiment thoroughly. I’ve told people I’ve used handcuffs before and they go, “Wow that’s so strange,” but for me that’s fun, that’s kinky, it’s a great way to express yourself in the bedroom.

There’s that huge focus that sex is this awesome event between two people, there’s so much you can have fun and experiment with that you shouldn’t just have that five-minute drunk hookup. There’s something to be said for hooking up with the same person on a consistent basis and kind of exploring new avenues for sex.

Alex: So, what advice would you give to girls who are looking to land a guy like you?

$$$: Be able to talk about things that are interesting besides music fests and gossip, and it can be really, really hot to talk about things. Show some passion about what you’re talking about. That tends to be one of the most attractive things in someone.

And don’t be afraid to hang out with someone when there’s not alcohol involved… I think that there’s something to our interactions where it’s largely limited to situations with alcohol and it’s like, “You better!” or else. Read things, be informed, be engaged, be a total elitist like me, it’s the way to do it.

Have follow-up questions for Mr. Moneybag$ or questions for next month’s interviewee? Send ‘em Alex’s way by emailing!

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