Let’s face it: These days kids just can’t wait until Christ Claus comes down the chimney on Dec. 25 to get their fix of toys, candies, spankings and good cheer. About nine Black Fridays ago, it became clear there had been a shift from a preference for Christmas and Hanukkah to Thanksgiving gifts. Whines have been heard from the children of this great nation and now parents are scrambling to find the best ways to burn money on their wittle sweetie weeties.
But it’s not just families affected by this influx of pre-holiday cheer. Your girlfriends/boyfriends, bros/brees—pretty much all people who haven’t been living under a rock since Super Bowl XXXVIII—expect you to get them a litany of Thanksgiving gifts. This is the new social currency. So don’t be afraid to drop a little bit of cash this week. Now listen up, we’ve got you covered this Thanksgiving season.
Make sure whatever you get, it’s expensive
“Oh, thank you for this pair of Crocs you clearly got at the outlet store off the frontage road next to the nuke plant.” No one’s going to say that. If you want to wow your friends and relatives this Thanksgiving, you’ve got to think like it’s 2015, or ’16 even. That means whatever you get has to be rare, the fewer replicas the better. Some recommendations might be an iPhone 7, a new Mercedes or a jewelry store.
Get creative with the presentation
Just think of the reaction on the face of your significant other when they’re idly eating some stuffing and then suddenly bite into a Swiss watch. They’ll have no idea how to react except for with pure joy. Just make sure they don’t choke on rings, car keys or necklaces.
Find an alternative object to associate with Thanksgiving
Since it’s impractical for most of us to put presents under a turkey, this is a great opportunity to grow closer to your loved ones by finding a communal object of worship. We’ve already heard a few creative ideas such as Aunt Mildred’s urn and the mold patch behind the water heater.
Make sure to get at least one gift that asserts your dominance in the relationship
If you’re a couple, this can be as simple as a prenup. If you’re a parent, maybe get your child one of those leashes for kids. You can even surprise them by trying to put it on them in the middle of the night while wearing a funny Pilgrim hat.
Child’s play
You’re single. Your friend is single, but ready for a baby. If you really want to go out of your way for someone this Thanksgiving, consider providing them your sperm or egg. Thanksgiving is all about new beginnings, so get giving.
“Did you hear the Harringtons lost the mill?”
Sometimes the greatest gift is a little bit of gossip. Write it down using a quill pen on a piece of Japanese parchment. It’ll be an unforgettable gesture that will keep whoever’s now in the loop coming back to you for years. Maybe for next year’s Thanksgiving dinner you can dig up some dirt on Evellyn.
An overdone serious joke
Many people value experiences over physical possessions. It’s a huge pain in the ass trying to find a Thanksgiving gift for someone like that. If you have a companion like this, call them up and give them some horrific news, tell them they’re a terrible person and that everything that has gone wrong in their life is entirely their own fault. Let this tension hang for at least 15 minutes. Maybe even hang up before ultimately letting the person know it’s all a gag. This ruse just never gets old.
A personality change never hurt anyone
If you really want to be popular at Thanksgiving this year, give altering your entire personality a shot. Not only does this grant you the potential to make some real friends within the family, people might finally realize you’re in the same room as them.
Send in the clowns
Send in the clowns, send in the clowns. Nobody gives clowns enough credit.
Order out this year
You know grandma doesn’t actually want to cook a massive meal for you ungrateful slobs. This year give her a break for once and order some take out. Italian food would be a good call. Cousin Kimmy does love alfredo sauce.
Sort through that musty old box of clothes and action figures collecting dust in your parents’ basement
They’ve been pestering you for years, so now might be the time for you to really do something about all that crap you’re never going to use again. If you can make a little bit of cash selling it on eBay, you might be able to save up to get that special someone a stellar Thanksgiving gift. This is really a winning situation for everyone involved.
Thanksgiving gift giving cannot be complete without thanks
Thanks. Thank you for these wonderful Thanksgiving gifts.
For personalized Thanksgiving gift suggestions tailored specifically to your needs, email Andy at holsteen@wisc.edu.
