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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, January 25, 2022

The Dirty Bird: Halloween happenings, from sexy to safety

Oh, Halloween. Some argue it’s the most magical time of the year in Madison, an improved “season of miracles,” if you will. We get to dress up, enjoy an adult beverage or six with our friends and storm State Street checking out concerts and costumes alike!

Today we’re going to break down the five C’s of Halloween. They are: Costumes! Candy! Consent! Creeps! And CONDOMS! Yay! 

Costumes 

People always ask me, “What’s too skanky for Halloween?” Nothing, sillies! We should be able to dress as whatever we feel like wearing. From Renaissance Maiden to Sexy Mouse, duh, Halloween is “the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything else about it,” according to Mean Girls. [Sex Columnist Note: While we don’t like using the word “slut” in real life, I’m all about maintaining quote integrity. What are your priorities on Halloween?] 

We’ve got to wear what we feel comfortable in, and comfort means safety. Please don’t freeze. People will still find us attractive even if we wear long pants or a jacket or glovesies. Take care of you on this special day. Halloween will not be fun if frostbite gets in the way. 

Candy

By candy, I mean ALCHY. People who like to drink, drink! But don’t put yourself in danger just for the “fun” of it. Freakfest can get freaky, in good ways and bad. The more intoxicated we are, the more trouble we can get into. Have fun, but be responsible. Do what makes you feel best.  

Consent

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: consent is necessary before engaging in any sort of sexual activity. Consent is a clear, freely given, informed, enthusiastic yes and not the absence of a no. There should be no “Blurred Lines,” Robin Thicke. No means no, yes means yes.

But what about alcohol? What about drugs? How can I tell if my partner is sober enough to bone?

Quit your whining! If our partners are stumbling, throwing up, slurring, belligerently complimenting people on bad costumes, or passed out, they are too intoxicated to give consent.

At Sex Out Loud, we like to say that if we wouldn’t trust our partners to drive us in our car, we cannot trust that their “yes” is freely given.

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Creeps

and I’m not talking about the kind from the Munsters!

Freakfest can be full of people looking to take advantage of innocent guests. Whether trying to steal our wallets or take us home without permission, these assholes are a problem during Halloween and we should all be ready to protect our fellow Badgers from their bull-shit antics.

We’re all one big part of the Badger community, and it’s our responsibility to help each other out. Some scenarios with creepy motherfuckers that we can do something about:

If we see a person buying tons of drinks for somebody else while they themself are just sipping on one, we should do our best to get in between this potential victim and perpetrator. By simply pulling either one aside and asking, “Aren’t we in English class together,” we can throw off the potential perpetrator’s game and help pull our new friend away from the situation.

If we witness a thievery, i.e. someone reaching into a person’s pocket or purse while everyone’s busy raving, we should try and fucking stop it! If we just let the bad guy take somebody’s stuff when we could’ve intervened, we are failing our friends! Just say something to this douche, like, “Is that your stuff?” or “Why are you touching their things?” or “Dude get the fuck out of here!”

Although it may seem intimidating, bystander intervention has been proven to work time and time again. Put yourself out there and protect your fellow Sconnies!

Condoms

Getting laid during Halloween rocks, or so I hear. We should make sure we enjoy it to the full potential by avoiding “protection panic,” when nary a condom is to be found. Stock up by visiting Sex Out Loud in the week leading up to our big night(s), or visit Condoms & Candy to play games and find the uh…good stuff (that’s right, we’ve got Trojans!).

Remember to ask Sex Out Loud’s staff to demonstrate how to correctly use one of those babies. Condoms are 99 percent effective when used properly, however some 70 percent of people don’t know the ins and outs of putting on a condom. But we can help! Stop by! DO IT!

Sick of Alex’s shameless plugs? Go to Sex Out Loud’s Condoms & Candy on East Campus Mall from 10:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. Oct. 31 to shake your finger at her. If you like, want to, you can also email sex@dailycardinal.com and she’ll write you something trick or treaty.

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