YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Wyo.—The head ranger at Yellowstone National Park has forgotten to carry out one of his most important spring duties this year: waking up the bears from winter hibernation.
Ranger Mark Halsey was appointed Yellowstone superintendent in 1987 and every spring since he has gone from cave to cave rattling pots and pans and splashing furry heads with cold buckets of water. But not this spring. All 1,200 bears that inhabit the park remain asleep in their dens.
The bears are one of the parks top wildlife attractions, and regular summertime tourists are beginning to ask questions.
“Funny, I’ve been piling the family into the R.V. for the annual Yellowstone trip for years, and we always encounter bears,” Colorado native Ronald Cort said. “Maybe we should leave more food out at night.”
The renegade woodsmen that illegally squat in the park’s forests have also noticed the bears’ absence.
“I’ve been attacked by bears every year since I gave up my worldly possessions and came out here,” Robert “Lawless” Lawson said, lifting up his buckskin tunic to reveal a myriad of scars to horrified Cardinal reporters. “But so far, so good this summer. Anybody want seconds on the squirrel stew?”
It’s been months since the bears were supposed to be woken up, and Halsey himself is starting to wonder if something slipped his mind this spring.
“You ever get that feeling that you’ve forgotten something, something important?” Halsey asked tight-lipped Cardinal reporters. “Let’s see, I woke up the chipmunks and raccoons, and I reheated the hot springs… wait, I’ve got it! I forgot to crank the geysers back on!”
