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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, March 29, 2024

Reading between the lines of book titles

We all like to rise above and pretend none of us judge a book by its cover, but we do. Oh, we so do, and we’re proud. Because this is Sparta! Or just a great line that I use absolutely any and every excuse to use all the time. What’s worse than judging a book by its cover though is when books with seemingly innocuous covers trap you. The sheer rage and nonexistent gamma radiation that courses through your veins when that happens is not fun, but a sight to behold nonetheless. We’ve all been there and there’s no shame in admitting that you enticed the neighbor’s cat to pee on that book. Yes, you were tricked that badly. We understand which is why I shall dedicate—nay construct an altar!—this week’s column to dismembering some of the many, exhaustingly many books that dare pull you in by innocent covers that hide the grisly and embarrassing details of its failure.

We’ve all seen the covers of the entire trilogy of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” haven’t we? On the bus, in bookstores, on the Internet, in libraries, on the train, in your grandma’s bathroom, in your dad’s study and your thirteen year old cousin’s room. So you pick up the book too and think to yourself—skilled observer that you are—oh it’s very grey. Maybe it’s a metaphor for the different shades of grey between the black and white extremes of our society. But there’s a tie on it too. Hmm, what must that mean? Well, it’s probably about a guy who bought a tie shop in a society with many shades of grey. That seems plausible enough right. Right? Wrong! It’s actually about Barbie and Ken all grown up and failing miserably at a hardcore BDSM lifestyle. Joy.

Imagine then that you came across “Twilight” without knowing what it actually was: a vapid, empty and soulless black hole that sucks in teenage girls and mommies. I doubt you or anyone in a million years would be able to predict how agonizingly crappy it is. You’d probably think first over how awesomely red that apple is and suddenly feel hungry. After grabbing a snack and getting back to it, you’ll see two flawless hands cupping an apple almost… lovingly? Interesting. Maybe it’s about a woman who adopts an apple after mistaking it for her long lost baby and is doing a Simba and Rafiki on the Pride Rock showing to the world at the time of twilight! That by the way sounds very likely and would have made a much better read, Meyer.

I have absolutely no qualms with Suzanne Collins and her books, but who would have ever thought from the title and the book that it’s a story about underage teens being pitted against each other in a gladiator-like arena? I actually thought people would be hungry in the book! So hungry they have games about being hungry and how much more hungrier I am than you and how you can never best my record of being the most hungry. And the golden pin was just awarded to the most hungry person. Too far? Maybe so.

For a while now, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” has become a benchmark for all gender stereotype references. Most of us haven’t even read the book, or seen a physical copy of it for that matter. Is it even real? I feel like the government could definitely be behind it, But we all know of its sad existence. Let me just say for the record that John Gray is not a nice man.

Was it just me or did any of you also think this was a new sci-fi book about an epic battle between men who lived on Mars and women who lived on Venus? Needless to say all the chick flick references of this book really confused me and I figured either those women were developing better taste than Mills and Boons’ pulsating bosoms and members or this book had some serious heart to heart talks in between all the galaxy battles, light sabers and tentacles.

Ever read eat, pray and love? Good, don’t. It’s not nearly as enlightening or life changing or vagina-cum-soul searching as it’s made out to be. Frankly, Roald Dahl does a better job in “Matilda” if you’re trying to ‘find yourself’ and all that stuff. I was expecting there to be a lot more eating, praying and loving or eating and praying while loving, if you know what I mean. I found disappointment once again—on both counts.

Books are tricky. They might be the next best thing to sex and chocolate but if you don’t pick the right one, it could turn into an awkward bumping of uglies or chocolate that has fruit and spices in it. So pick ‘em well kids, be it the books that enlighten your dark soul, the chocolate that blows your mind or the sex that blows your unmentionables. That’s all the rant I have for you this week. Until next time, stay weird.

Has a book cover ever led you astray? Tell Maham at mhasan4@wisc.edu.

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