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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, September 24, 2023

Almanac Classifieds

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

For Sale

Bed bugs—They mite not sound super chill, but bed bugs make excellent sleeping partners. It’s practically impossible for me to fall asleep now without their nibbles. It’s great. I’ve been breeding them in my mattress for over a decade, so these little buggers are best in show. Email Ernie at if you want a jar-o-bugs.

Stolen vehicle—This ride is totally hot. 1997 red Ford Mustang. After-market 22s. I can’t hold onto this car for long since I don’t own it and somebody’s probably looking for it a.t.m. Will only take cash. $1,000 obo, let’s get this shit taken care of tonight. Call Rick 555-2425.


Competitive eating partner/trainer—So, you watch a lot of “Man Versus Food,” don’t you? Since the first time you saw Kobayashi down 50 hot dogs, you wanted to be just like him? You want to win the grand prize at the county fair? Well, say “Hello” to your new competitive eating coach. I spent 14 years on the main circuit (Coney Island, et al.), and know how to stuff my throat full of meat, corn, pizza, whatever. I’m not the muncher I used to be back in ’02. But there’s still hunger in my belly. Two person eating contests are one of the easist things to rig. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FREE FOOD WE CAN WIN? I’m hungry dudes, help me out. Call 555-0987.

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