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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, September 24, 2023

Almanac Views: Lame basketball fans need to get their priorities straight

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Ah, March, what a month. The beginning of spring—snow melts, birds chirp, drunks unfortunately come out of hibernation—when horrible, debilitating seasonal depression finally seems to be evaporating. But for sports fans, March means something else: the return of the annual collegiate basketball tournament.

For the majority of those who tune-in to all the March Madness, it’s the only college basketball they watch over the course of the year. That doesn’t make it OK though.

Your precious Badgers made it to the round of 16, so I’ve compiled a sweet list of 16 things you should be doing instead of watching silly games (higher-seeded items are more important, in case your nubile mind couldn’t figure that out).

1. Chain-smoke in front of a coffee shop.

This should clearly be the most important thing on your agenda. Preferably, these are hand-rolled Buglers you’re puffing. If looking cool means anything, why aren’t you chain-smoking at this very moment? Roll up this newspaper into a giant cig. That should last you for at least five minutes.

2. Pickle some fruit.

Put down the damn chicken wings for once and do something that won’t cause cardiac arrest. Pickled fruit is not only delicious all the time, but good for getting rid of that beer belly.

3. Weave.

By designing and making your own clothing, you save money and look quite trendy. Stop following the herd for lord’s sake.

4. Chain-smoke outside an unpopular bar.

Go get a pint of a fine micro-brew. My personal favorite is Shithouse Brew Company’s quadruple IPA, Shitty Cow. Then once you have a mid-level buzz (not too drunk, you don’t want to do that), go chain half a pack. That’s indie.

5. Quit your job.

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Let’s be honest, the man is dragging you down. Those four hours per week should be spent doing something avant-garde anyway.

6. Go to the gym.

HA! Just kidding, working out is for tools.

7. Read a book.

It’s sad how few Americans keep up with literature. For some outstanding recommendations, follow my blog But I only read Franzen, so if you’re not into that, don’t even bother.

8. Eight is totally not alt, so let’s just skip it.

9. Chain-smoke outside your local co-op grocer.

The only thing that makes kale chips taste better than they already do is by preparing your palate with about nine cigs. And it’s indie.

10. Also not an alt number, uhhggg.

11. Write a letter to your state representative.

If you’re anybody, there’s something happening RIGHT NOW in Wisconsin that you totally think is asinine. The only way to fix this is by writing your representatives. Just last week, I wrote to Senator Bob Sphincter about installing double-decked bike lanes throughout the state.

12. Teach guitar lessons.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t actually know how to play the instrument. Music is like, totally subjective, duh.

13. Read a newspaper.

Yeah, those things you thought were totally irrelevant now that everything is on the Internet, they aren’t. People still care about printed media. In fact, you’re reading one right now. Tricked ya!

14. Chain-smoke in your totally alt apartment.

“Yo, is it, like, chill if I smoke a cig in here?” You bet, because chain-smoking in your apartment is not only totally indie, but super fucking cool. You’ll practically be in a movie, but it’ll actually be your life—such a cool, alt life.

15. People watch.

Wow, most people are so average and boring, right? It’s hard to believe there are so many sheeple in this world, but the best thing to do is just sit around and watch them.

16. Ironically watch college basketball.

The best way to show the stupidity of all the people who actually care about the pointless game of basketball is by watching it yourself. You have to be totally serious too. That’ll teach them. So meta, so alt, so indie, I can’t think of a better way to spend my time.

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