Hello everyone, and happy Thanksgiving! We’ve all been working so hard on last-minute assignments and hard partying in preparation for our parents’ inevitable question, “So, have you heard back from that employer yet?”
Luckily, we can all find solace in the idea of our local “turkey sandwich” waiting for us when we return back to our favorite college town. Sure, we’ll only have three weeks left when we get back from our days off, but then we’ll be able to take full advantage of our leftovers awaiting us.
But what is a turkey sandwich? In the context of this article, let’s create a metaphor to explain such an exciting phenomenon.
What do we eat on Thanksgiving? Turkey! Stuffing, potatoes, cranberries, green bean casserole, pies! What do we eat on Black Friday, Cyber Monday and Buy More Shit Day?
You’ve got it! Those classic turkey sandwiches.
Now, let’s apply this theory to our sex lives. Just like our prime meal during Thanksgivukkah, our now-turkey sandwich used to be our main squeeze—whether that means they were our significant other, fuck-buddy or anything in between, they aren’t anymore.
Hooking up with this person now isn’t as fresh as it was the first time. It may be a little less exciting, but that doesn’t mean it can’t taste just as good if we spice it up the right way! Using some barbecue sauce, a few hot peppers or maybe even some bacon, lettuce and tomatoes will help our turkey sandwiches hit the spot.
Although turkey sandwiches don’t have to count as a completely new meal by dinnertime, they are especially useful after Thanksgiving Break for several reasons.
First of all, we have nearly nothing to lose. Reaching out to a previous partner takes little effort (drunk text, anyone?) and if it doesn’t work out, the semester is almost over!
Number two: This person may have gained a lot of... flavor since we last encountered them.
With more time comes more experience for most people, so this turkey sandwich could simply blow our mind if we’re in the middle of a dry spell or are looking to learn a few new tricks. Similarly, we can practice our new tricks on our favorite turkey sandwich. If we’ve learned something from watching porn or our friends or a trusty magazine, we can try it out with our partner’s permission. We may both experience fun new things, and if our fucking is a flop, we haven’t lost anything!
Finally, our turkey sandwich, which often comes with “no strings attached,” (unless it’s roast turkey? Or we’re really kinky? I am not funny.) can help us relieve those stresses that come with the last few weeks of school. They can assist in “fucking the finals away,” something we all need from time to time.
Thanks to Kool Kousin Kelly and Aunt Beth for the inspiration behind this article!
Want to inspire Alex’s next column? Email sex@dailycardinal.com to give your input.
