Kane Kaiman is a graduate of Cedarburg High School. There, he scored a 5 on his AP Psychology test, giving him the authority to interpret the dreams of all humans and some of the earth’s more intelligent mammals. Although he is considered by many to be the world’s foremost expert in the study of dreams, he himself has never had one.
This week’s dream: “I was standing near a white building looking out across an incredibly long beach. The building itself was surrounded by sand, and I never looked behind me, so I don’t know if there was an end to the beach. In the distance, maybe a few football fields away, was the ocean, but the water was a slick black, like oil. I walked inside the building, which was the size of a small house, and there was a man and a woman inside. I think they were lifeguards and that the building was where they got prepared before walking out to the ocean to do their jobs. They left the building as I began to put on some sunscreen, because it was very hot and sunny outside. I went back outside, and I saw that the black ocean was rising. I started to get really scared. The oil/water was rising and rising, almost reaching the sky. I knew that a tidal wave was coming soon. Attached to the building was a wooden frame, and I grabbed onto the top of it. I was terrified, like I said before. Finally, the water rushed over me, and I held onto the wood for dear life. The water rushed past me so hard that my body was parallel to the ground. Astonishingly, I managed to hold on, and the wave passed by. Then I woke up.”
-Quinn Labowitch, sophomore
One hundred percent accurate interpretation: Ah, the classic “Tsunami Nightmare,” AKA “The Big Wave;” I dealt with this one a lot when I counseled troubled surfers in the Maui area back in the '90s.
During my stay in Hawaii, a dream like this almost always preceded a violent mental breakdown. In the summer of 1997 alone, three separate clients attempted to strangle me with surfboard leashes.
I doubt you surf, but for safety’s sake it’s probably best that we never meet.
Let’s get down to business. For the surfers, the dream’s meaning was obvious: They fantasized about riding record-breaking waves but doubted their abilities. However, for a Badger like you, hundreds of miles from the ocean, this dream can only mean one thing: You’re worried about climate change. The rapidly rising water in your nightmare has an obvious connection to the slower, but no less terrifying, sea-level change that intellectuals, like myself, have proven is taking place on our planet as the polar ice caps continue to melt. The fact that the water is dark and oily is another key piece of evidence. Oil is a fossil fuel and when we burn it for energy, it releases gases that heat up the planet. To help avoid a recurring nightmare, I recommend you put your mind at ease by spending time picking up litter.
The seemingly endless beach symbolizes your self-perceived insignificance. You feel unimportant in the grand scheme of life. You’re probably right. It’s unlikely that you will ever make much of a difference in the lives of all the people living on earth, let alone anything else living in the rest of the universe, which is expanding as we speak. One way to cope with this feeling is to go outside and determine the fate of an anthill: smash it, pour water on it, pull out the magnifying glass, whatever you want. You may be inconsequential to the human race, but to the ants, you’ll be master of the cosmos.
It’s no surprise that the man and woman in the building wanted nothing to do with you and your sunscreen. I’d be willing to bet that you’re a fair-skinned young man with a minor inferiority complex.
After a nightmare of this magnitude, bottle up all of your emotions and carry on with your life as best you can. A dangerous meltdown that could lead to complete mental disconnection from society is on the horizon.
Stay strong, and keep it together!
P.S. Good thing you didn’t drown there at the end. Remember, it’s been proven that if you die in a dream, you die in real life. That’s why I always tell my clients to make sure they wake up before they die.
Have a dream you want Kane to interpret? Email him at kaiman@wisc.edu for his absolutely factually expert advice!
