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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, June 22, 2024

Looking for a date? Read on

OK, this is going to be a fun one. Instead of doing something that required a grain of creativity, I decided this week just to go with the truth. 

There have been a lot of attempts lately by people on the blogosphere to create “dating resumes” for themselves, which have mostly been sad, pompous attempts to get attention. I could make one of these, but it would inevitably end up just as dumb as the others. So, I’m not going to write about myself. Here are blurbs about some people I know and why you should date them. 

Hopefully, this is a bit more enjoyable than reading my obtusely boring life story in lie form. (I was thinking about going super deep and making a social commentary by not actually writing about other people and talking about myself for the entire article because, let’s be honest, everybody likes to talk about themselves. I’ve done the respectful thing here, though, and spared you from another one of my dumb expeditions into theoretical stupidity. So, you’re welcome. Beyond this short detour of a parenthetical, this article is actually going to be itself and nothing more.) 

One more quick sidenote: I didn’t ask any of these people if I could write about them in a newspaper, but they’re all pretty cool (see, the talking-up has already begun!), so I’m thinking they’ll all be fine with this. If not, even though I changed all the names, also consider this a public apology.   

Watty Ice

What can one say about Watty? HE’S FUCKING AWESOME, THAT’S WHAT! I’ve known this kiddo for a long time, and let me tell you something: He’s just about as cool as they come. He’s also very handsome, ladies.

Here are just a few of his superior qualities that will make your heart melt: 

He’s really good at basketball without even practicing.

He has fantastic taste in music.

He knows everything about Ke$ha.

He is probably one of the top-five best “Grand Theft Auto” players. 

Spencer LaBro

One of the chillest brohemmeis of all time, you will want to be Spencer’s best friend for life the instant you meet him. And you should do it! 

Some awesome things you should know about Spencer:

He has a huge iTunes Library (we’re talking like 30,000 songs).

He knows everything about movies. Seriously.

He writes the best poetry. 

He’s by far the strongest person I know. 

He sings in an awesome band called Half Milk. 

Walnut

All I have to say is this: Why not go on a date with Walnut? She’s a tough nut to crack, but once you see inside her shell (more nut jokes, anyone?), life gets better.

The best things about Walnut:

Her hair smells incredible. 

She’s one of the hardest working and sincere people I know. 

She has an awesome sense of humor.

She works for the Cardinal.

Her nickname is Walnut. What else can you possibly need? 

Fog Dog

As one of my BFFs, it’s easy for me to endorse the Fogger. 

Why Fog Dog is the best:

He takes amazing photos and paints like a boss. 

He has a few really suave tattoos.

He loves YouTube. 

Dog date: General Holsteen

Alright, so this obviously isn’t a person, but nonetheless, my pooch General has feelings, so I want to give him a little shoutout too. 

Why the girl doggies should love Gen: 

He’s a Great Dane, which is the coolest breed. 

He looks like a tiger.

He can protect you if someone breaks into your house.

He runs really fast. 

Well, if you’re interested in any of the above parties, shoot Andy an email at holsteen@wisc.edu, and we’ll set this shit up!

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