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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Monday, May 29, 2023
The Daily Cardinal

The Daily Cardinal used a seven-run first inning and a significant dose of liquid courage to pummel the Badger Herald, 12-1, in the latest installment of the newspapers’ softball rivalry.

Tooshie Trouncing: Daily Cardinal outdrinks, outbats Herald en route to softball victory

There are certain things you come to expect in life. Lindsay Lohan getting arrested. Dubstep making your head pound. A less-than-pleasant bathroom experience after Taco Bell (but that second gordita crunchwrap supreme was so worth it).

Now, that list grows larger. After winning its third consecutive softball game 12-1 over The Badger Herald, The Daily Cardinal has to wonder if the victory even surprised its rival.

Despite feeling quite, ahem, “relaxed” after polishing off a keg before the game, the Cardinal rallied for seven runs in the first inning. The Herald fought back honorably, scoring an impressive zero runs in four at-bats in the bottom of the first, a trend that would continue throughout most of the game.

The Cardinals excelled on both sides of the field, led by a deep batting lineup and an equally determined defensive stance.

Matt “Strong-arm” Kleist lived up to his name, racking up more strikeouts than George Costanza in the dating scene. For the lucky few Herald players who managed to make contact, a swift Cardinal defense sent them, heads bowed down, back to their fearful master and Editor in Chief Ryan Rainey.

“I get it,” Kleist said, signing a pair of breasts amidst flocks of screaming women. “It’s difficult to hit a slow-pitch softball that literally goes to the exact same location every time.”

With a bat in one hand and a bottomless brew in the other, incoming Cardinal Editor in Chief Abby “Imma-badbitch” Becker led her team’s potent offense. Although that damn softball field wouldn’t stop spinning, Becker battled the elements and left it all on the field, dignity included.

Co-head coach and keg master Matt Masterson said he could not have been more proud of the way his team performed.

“I was like Vito Corleone in “The Godfather.” All I had to do was say the word and I knew I’d see results,” Masterson said, clarifying he did not threaten any of his players with death, nor does he regularly sell prostitutes. Except on Saturdays.

The only silver lining in the Herald’s performance came when it won the pregame beer chug-off, proving that while the Herald struggles both athletically and in printing newspapers, they can at least drink liquid quickly.

Rainey, who improved his usual appearance by sporting a hideous and downright terrifying Edgar Allen Poe mask on the sidelines, said it was an honor to play in the midst of true greatness.

“I was so excited and surprised that we even scored one run, I peed myself a little bit,” Rainey admitted.

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As the sun set over Vilas Park, it was Editor in Chief and Cardinal captain Scott Girard who had the final, inspirational word.

“For three years I’ve played for this team, and for three years I’ve seen utter domination,” Girard said. “How the fuck haven’t we found better competition yet?”

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