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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Monday, May 29, 2023

Members of The Daily Cardinal staff react with pure ecstasy to their victory over the employees of rival student newspaper The Badger Herald in their annual softball game.

Daily Cardinal, Associated Press... er, I mean Badger Herald, to square off at Vilas Park Saturday

This Saturday will be defined by three words: bats, balls and glory.

No, it’s not another late night pleasure-party with your dominatrix hooker. It is time for the annual showdown between one of the world’s greatest rivalries as The Daily Cardinal and The Badger Herald are set to take the field at Vilas Park for their annual softball game.

Following last year’s historic come-from-behind victory, co-head coach Vince Huth said the Cardinals are feeling optimistic. However, he added his team is taking no chances following reports the Herald has been practicing twice per week for the past month, though it is unclear if that has been in preparation for the softball game or next year’s production schedule.

“We can’t give them any cushion room this year,” Huth said, pulling his brand-new ‘kick ass for ass-kicking’ socks up past his ankle. “This year is going to be different, except for the whole winning thing.”

Taking the mound for the second straight year is Matt “Strong-arm” Kleist, who is said to be the genetic equivalent of Nolan Ryan and Randy Johnson’s love child. While his good looks and charm are enough to distract the female batters, co-head coach Matt Masterson said Kleist’s arm will easily handle the slightly less feminine foes.

“It’s all about getting that W,” Kleist said between determined gasps as he finished the final regiment of his third consecutive P90X routine. “And the bitches. Mostly the bitches.”

Cardinal captain and Editor in Chief Scott Girard said he hasn’t been so sure of a victory since every other year he has played the Herald. Still, he said Photo Editor and clean-up hitter Abby “Money” Waldo brings a new intensity to the Cardinal sure to strike fear into the hearts of counterpart Ryan Rainey’s squad.

Waldo, fresh out of anger management, said she hasn’t led this strong of a front-line attack since leading SEAL Team Six in Operation Neptune Spear, where she said Osama Bin Laden was “lucky [she] didn’t get to him before the bullet did.”

“My therapist told me I need contain my rage and find my happy place during this game,” Waldo said, gripping the bat with a sadistic smile etched across her face. “Oh, I’ll find my happy place, motherfucker. You can count on that.”

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