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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, May 14, 2024

April Fools: Michigan’s Final Four berth stymied

Sunday afternoon could not have been a better day for the Michigan men’s basketball program. The Wolverines dismantled Florida from start to finish in their Elite 8 game, en route to a 79-59 win and their first Final Four appearance since 1993.

“I couldn’t be more happy for our players, our program and the university,” head coach John Beilein said after the game. “We weren’t playing that well toward the end of the season, but we’re playing our best when it matters most.”

However, there was a shocking development while the Wolverines were in the process of cutting down the nets at Cowboys Stadium. NCAA President Mark Emmert informed Beilein and his team their win against the Gators would be vacated due to the recent findings of improper benefits given to several players, including All-American sophomore guard Trey Burke.

According to a source inside the locker room, when Beilein asked Emmert who was responsible for turning the Wolverines into NCAA authorities, Emmert said it was none other than Fab Five members Juwan Howard, Jalen Rose and Chris Webber.

Howard and Rose responded via text to Adam Schefter—a Michigan graduate—saying, “That’s what they get. If we get our wins vacated, then they should, too. Definition of karma right there, brotha.”

Webber, though, was a little more outspoken in a phone interview with reporters.

“We’re the original Fab Five, and nobody will ever duplicate what we had in Ann Arbor,” Webber said, pausing to take a swig of his brown-bag-wrapped bottle of whiskey. “If the current squad wouldn’t have been running their mouth and wearing all this Fab Five stuff, Juwan, Jalen and I would have stayed quiet, but such is life.”

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