After ruminating on the issue for quite some time, I have come to the conclusion that the United States of America should annex Canada. As America’s hat, Canada has provided centuries of fashion and warmth to Alaska and Maine, our vulnerable ears, and has offered millions of American youth a sanctum for underage drinking and ice fishing. But as long Canada is a sovereign nation, we cannot fully exhaust its utility. Therefore, it would be in the interest of all parties involved to render Canada part of the United States. Here is why:
Firstly, hockey is in right now. Cool kids like hockey. So does hockey analyst Barry Melrose, and he is pretty much the James Dean of ESPN. The lockout is over, and people really dig the guys on skates. Just as Republicans and Democrats mustered the brinksmanship necessary to juke the Fiscal Cliff, NHL owners and players took on the rinksmanship to settle on a deal that inevitably made the vast majority of them multi-millionaires. Many of the best pro hockey teams are Canadian anyway, so why not just claim all of that money and all of those bragging rights for the good ole U-S of A? If Canada becomes part of the United States, our GDP will soar because hockey is just so fetch.
Secondly, Canada maintains a bitter climate for much of the year. I know many Canadians, and they all agree that much of Canada is “aboot” as chilling as an ice cold Labatt Blue. Those in our country who are anti-Al Gore, or anti-science, could utilize Canada’s average weather conditions to corroborate their theory that global warming is not actually occurring because the U.S. climate is actually reverting back to more typical average annual temperatures. Moreover, we could have easier access to cabins up north because the land is already ours.
Thirdly, as Trey Parker and Matt Stone tell us in the South Park movie, “They are not even a real country anyway.” Seriously, despite the fact that 87 percent of statistics are made up, an estimated 2.3 percent of Americans can name the Prime Minister of Canada. (For the record, his name is Stephen Harper.) But when Ontario and Quebec become states, you will probably recognize that moniker better as U.S. Sen. Stephen Harper.
Fourthly, they’ve got oil. I’m talking “Beverly Hillbillies” amounts of oil. This would make the United States less dependent on OPEC to make our planes, trains and automobiles go vroom. Being able to produce our own oil means more money in our own pockets.
So why would Canada want to join the United States? Well firstly, we’re ’Merica. Nuff said. But furthermore, we happen to be the home of baseball, hotdogs, apple pie and Chevrolet. We have Jackie Chan, Jennifer Lopez, Mila Kunis and SpongeBob. And, like I said before, we also happen to be the head upon which Canada, our hat, rests. Just as there can be no good without evil, there can be no hat without a head. Therefore, I must conclude that a U.S. annexation of the entity currently known as Canada would be an auspicious venture for all parties involved.
How do you feel about Zac’s policy advice? Let him know aboot it at pestine@wisc.edu.
