Hey, it’s March Madness! The one time of the year where everyone becomes a manic basketball fan because low-stakes gambling and day drinking are involved! If you give a shit (you shouldn’t), I’m picking Miami to win it all. I’m definitely one of those insufferable people that will brag about what great foresight I have to make a correct pick. It’s always great to say, “See, I told you guys South Dakota State would beat Michigan. Just call me Nostradamus.”
Movie from your childhood that still kicks ass
(Scream, 1996)-—When I saw this movie as a kid, I completely missed that the film was actually satirizing the horror film genre. Even as Jamie Kennedy’s character recited the typical conventions of horror films pretty much as they were happening in “Scream,” it was completely over my head. I had nightmares for weeks, waking up in cold sweats thinking of Billy Loomis saying in the creepiest voice, “We all go a little mad sometimes.” To make matters worse, it seemed like everyone wore the Ghostface mask for Halloween in the late ’90s, only enhancing my anxiety further. Never watch an R-rated slasher movie when you’re eight years old.
Small Victory that Salvages an Otherwise Shitty Week
You know the saying “finding a needle in a haystack?” It should be “finding a dropped contact lens on your bathroom floor.” Dropped contact lenses blend into the floor like freaking chameleons, which makes it incredibly satisfying when you finally manage to track it down. It’s such a good feeling that it doesn’t even matter to you that there’s probably untold amounts of dust bunnies and pubic hairs on it. You get to blast that thing with saline solution and go to bed, setting yourself up for a pleasant night’s sleep. Unless…
First-World Hate of the week
This week’s hate is reserved for waking up minutes before your alarm clock goes off. I used to think this was really cool when I younger, like I had a bionic body or something. But now? Hell no. Because I stay up much later now than I did in high school, those extra minutes are extremely precious. The worst part about waking up early is it forces you to spend those extra minutes staring at the ceiling half-awake and thinking about all the shit you have to do that day. And then you get up and are forced to hop around in your cold shower because your roommates used up all the hot water earlier. And then it’s off to class while you’re still feeling cold, tired and pissed off, all because your body clock screwed you over. My rate of depression spikes by 1,000 percent every time that happens.
Song that will make you want to change the world
“One” (U2, 1991)—If ever there was a song that could bring warring nations together, it would be “One.” After all, the song itself is often credited with bringing U2 together after creative disagreements threatened to fracture the band in the early 90s. Instead, the group members were able to use the contentiousness as a rallying point, pairing The Edge’s subdued chord progression with Bono’s soulful lyrics to stress the importance of nurturing our relationships. The end result was a song many consider U2’s magnum opus, setting the group up for two more decades of relevance. Or, basically the opposite of what happened to Guns N’ Roses when they began feuding. My favorite factoid about “One:” The Edge has said the group deliberately uses the phrasing “We GET to carry each other” rather than “We GOT to carry each other,” implying it’s a privilege, not an obligation, to carry each other. Damn, that’s deep.
Unedited moronic facebook status from a kid from my high school
“Never get ur hairs cutt at wally world i petty the foo who does”
You’re saying Wal-Mart didn’t provide a quality product or service for a seemingly good price? DID NOT SEE THAT ONE COMING.
Remember to email firstname.lastname@example.org to talk to Adam about your best Wal-Mart bowlcut so he can laugh at you.