What’s the best way to celebrate a Grammy for rap album of the year? Drop a video about how successful you are. Obviously. Drake’s “Started From the Bottom” is one of the more ridiculous videos I’ve seen in a while—including a whole minute of it that has absolutely nothing to do with the song.
In this column, hopefully the first of many, we’ll be going through the new video second-by-second, frame-by-frame, picking out all the most absurd and incredible moments and highlighting them one by one.
But enough from me. Roll the tape.
0:08 — Drake’s younger self was born to be a soccer star. Also his team appears to be using some variation of the ‘Flying V.’ Take that, “Mighty Ducks.”
0:12 — Baby Drake just drilled in a goal. He looks like Messi, Ronaldo and Pele rolled into one incredible, 8-year-old soccer prodigy. Brazil 2014, look out, Drake is coming.
0:13 — Ghost ride the whip!
0:20 — That snow is fake, snow doesn’t fall up. Except in the wind tunnel between Bascom and Social Sciences. That shit is wild.
0:32 — Drake works at CVS!
0:37 — That’s not Drake’s mom! Or is it, and Drake’s mom in “The Motto” video is not? I’m so confused! Does Drake have two moms? Was one kidnapped by the other? Answer me!
0:40 — Drake: Night Manager.
0:40 — Congrats on the promotion Drake, I’m sure you worked really hard to earn it. That raise to 9$ an hour can certainly afford the Bentley convertible that you have in the parallel universe of upside down snow.
0:56 — Cut the music… best part of the vid—“Staaaaaaahrted frommm the boooohtom”—god, I love it. You comb that beard while you sing to your heart’s content.
That reminds me, billion-dollar idea here. Make Take Care an opera. If Bieber can re-release albums in an acoustic flavor, why can’t Drizzy do so in a choral setting? I mean, at least R. Kelley would be on board.
1:00 — Three big packs of Trojans—whatever floats your boat. However, if you need to buy that many might I recommend Costco. Unless now Drake is a night manager he issued roll-back pricing on magnums. Can I get a price check on these?
1:10 — Quote of video: “Oh my b-osh,” when boobs are large enough to say oh my gosh except all you’re thinking of is the boobs… boobs… boobs… . Gosh, boobs + gosh = Bosh!
1:26 — “I still think you’re straight Gor-gee.” Totally using that pick line next weekend. Look out madison!
1:38 — “Yo man your girl friend is on the phone. Man, she seems super pregnant.” Wow! This exchange is just dynamite, I’ve completely forgotten how there’s an actual music video going on… .
1:49 — “You look just like my ex girlfriend. She died last week… she didn’t die.” Another quality pick up line brought to you by the good folks at Drake’s CVS.
2:04 — Back to the music. Confetti has now invaded Drake’s CVS. He’s the coolest night manager ever, the union should hire him. Then maybe I wouldn’t hate to go work every Friday at 5 p.m.… .
2:16 — Drake has graduated from a soccer stud to a bowling extraordinaire. Is there anything he can’t do?
2:30 — Now we’re into the classic Drake… bring it home Aubrey!
2:49 — Helicopter shot! Take notes, “Fast and Furious.”
2:54 — Drake is now marching on the catwalk on a billboard. That march… it’s amazing. I’m now only walking like that!
3:10 — Drake is now flying a private jet. I guess that night manager position pays more than I thought.
3:35 — Golf cart race with Drake and his young rich attractive friends? I’m so down.
4:07 — The camera has successfully rotated around Drake 37 times… or something like that… . I’m dizzy, why didn’t it warn of motion sickness? At least the “N***** in Paris” video tells me I’m going to have a seizure
5:00 — Let the beat roll out.
I love it. I’m watching it again!
Got some thoughts on Drake’s latest absurdist venture? Or ideas for future video-reviews? Shoot Grey an email at gsatterfield@wisc.edu.
