Hear-ye! Hear-ye! It is with great pleasure that I present to you the first annual Daily Cardinal Bathroom Awards. Whether you are a nervous pooer or more of a free spirit, here you will find details on the standout spots to do your business, whatever business that may be.
Best in Show: Nancy Nicholas Hall
This semester I have an obnoxious number of classes that jump between Van Hise and Ag Hall, or what I like to call “Agricvltvre.” Between the two buildings is a gem that I have grown to appreciate more than I will appreciate any man. Within its walls are bathroom wonders. I wish I had gastrointestinal issues so I had a legitimate excuse to use those bathrooms more often. No time spent in any other campus building compares to the 10 minutes I spend using the Nancy Nicholas women’s bathrooms Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.
A round of applause!
The first floor: It’s supposed to feel like a forest. It’s art, really. You hear birds chirping, streams rustling, maybe there is an owl in the distance? Fireflies? Look up to the night sky; the stars glisten and fade. Need to wash your hands? Go to the rockbed where water juts out of a stream. You are alone in the wilderness, with the convenience of modern, simplistic Kohler appliances.
The second and third floors: You are in a children’s book—Snow White meets Harold and the Purple Crayon. The mirrors are exquisitely detailed, and on the wall by the entrance there is a chalkboard wall with every-which color of chalk you could possibly desire. “<3 wish I was a human ecology student so I could use this b-room every day! <3 <3 [scribbles] <3.” In pink.
Upon entering Nancy Nicholas Hall (home of the School of Human Ecology), everyone must answer an unavoidable question: “Which exquisite bathroom experience do I want today?” The choice is yours. Well done, SoHE, well done.
Honorable Mention: Memorial Union, Second Floor
The Memorial Union’s second-floor bathroom near the East Corridor makes you feel like a visitor in a country club, circa 1997. Extra counters to throw your belongings on, extra mirrors that you can look at yourself in for longer than is acceptable, pretty colors... Solid work. Great effort.
For the Self-conscious Shitter: Memorial Library, South Stacks
The label applies to those who, after dropping the big one, wait an extra five minutes to exit the stall, until the “excessive hand-washer” finally leaves. There are bathrooms on every floor of Memorial Library’s South Stacks, ready for you and the four other people in the South Stacks at that moment. The bathroom itself is mediocre, with just two stalls and an industrial finish. But if you are ever interrupted doing your business, write me a complaint. South Stacks, while underappreciated, provide a service to those who are self-conscious shitters.
No. 1 Shit Hole: Social Sciences
The Social Sciences Building would be cleaner and more hygienic if its bathrooms were removed. The ratio of stalls to the number of students in the building at once is appalling, and during passing time I am afraid to contract pink eye when I walk inside. The bathroom smells of what I imagine to be lemon citrus mixed with ammonia, a quick fix to cover up the bacteria that has been building since 1962, when Social Sciences was erected. Could use improvement.
Bathroom Your Great-grandma Used: Wisconsin Historical Society
The bathroom on the Wisconsin Historical Society second floor near the reading room has the look, feel and plumbing of a 113-year-old building. If you’d like to take a step back in time, the stalls are for 1905-sized women, when average height was 4-foot-11 and the average weight was 115 pounds. They can be a tight fit today. The bathroom is mostly ivory with a robin-egg-blue finish, and it comes with a closet, where I like to stash historical documents, my typewriter, some moldy bread… One of the two stalls is usually out-of-order, and the entrance door does not latch. (Not open Sundays.)
Full disclosure: As a social sciences kid, apologies to the real science folks who were hoping for bathroom insights on buildings like Microbiochemistry or Agrichemical Engineering. Ag Hall is the farthest westward I have walked on campus. These reviews reflect my experience using these buildings’ women’s bathrooms. For those who do not use women’s bathrooms, please let me know how their counterparts stand.
What top-notch toilets did Samy leave out? Email at moskol@wisc.edu next time you’re appreciating the ambiance on the john.
