Dear Alex,
I have been in a long-distance relationship for two years. I’m having concerns about regret; am I wasting time with her or is it worth it if I end up staying together?
Thanks.
Unfortunately, it’s not in my jurisdiction to make up your mind for you. However, I can give you some tools to help you figure out what’s right for you:
First of all, I want you to imagine yourself in five years. On the one hand, you decided to stick it out with your girlfriend and are now reunited. You see her often and love every minute you’re with her. However, will you be thinking of missed opportunities or the chance to experiment with others? Will the woman you’re seeing still be your dream girl, or did you spend time on her that you could have spent searching for your soulmate?
On the other hand, you and your significant other decided to break up. You dated and screwed around for a few years and really took advantage of your college experience and met other partners who made you feel happy. You may be dating someone now, and it may even be serious. But do you find yourself thinking about your ex from time-to-time? Is she happy with someone else? Would you be happier with her?
These are some of the questions you need to ask yourself before you come to any conclusions. You’ll have to incorporate other options, as well. For example, what if you stuck it out with her throughout college but it doesn’t work out later in life. Will you think that your “golden years” were wasted?
The above questions focus on your specific relationship and what its outcomes may be. Now comes the question of the benefits of hooking up versus being in a long-term relationship, and the possible detriments of each.
It is my belief that everyone needs to experience both one-night stands and commitment at least a few times before making life-altering decisions about a relationship. It would be unfair to settle down without getting to know what you may like and finding what different people bring out in you sexually. You can learn to love things you never knew about!
However, many people don’t enjoy hooking up. They cannot stand the lack of emotions enforced by such an act and feel badly about it afterward. Unfortunately, one of the few ways to figure out whether or not it’s for you is by trying it and subsequently realizing and exploring your aversion. Once again, you have to project regret; if you don’t engage in a few hookups over your college career, will you always wish you had? You may feel this way even if you and your now-girlfriend end up together. That kind of distress can lead to conflict, even resentment, later on in relationships and should be taken into account.
Long-term commitments at our age are difficult to maintain and sometimes don’t facilitate as much personal growth as being single might. College is about “me-time,” getting to know yourself on a personal level, and understanding what you want out of life. Working these things out with a partner can help the two of you become a very strong couple, but without a substantial knowledge base of yourself, you may feel like something is missing from your life, if perhaps not your relationship. This, once again, may be back to haunt you (and possibly your partner) later in life.
In my opinion, unless you are absolutely sure that she is the person you would like to spend the rest of your life with, it might be time to take a break from being in a relationship with her. I obviously urge you to talk with her about your thoughts, feelings and doubts pertaining to your relationship. However, I also believe you should go into a conversation like that with strong resolve if (and only if) you already know what you want.
Ending a relationship like this can be daunting and painful. Keep in mind that it’s not the end of the world; this person can still be in your life. If the relationship is meant to work out, it will at some point. You may run into her years from now and rekindle that spark, or you both may move on and find absolute happiness. Discovering where you will land is life’s greatest adventure.
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